I Should Be Packing And/Or Sleeping But Clearly I Am Not

I was creeping myself on facebook and came across this from three years ago and thought what the hell and here it is for 2011. Enjoy.

2011: In The Beginning

Where did you go on New Years?: I was up at the arena for a Stag and Doe.

Who were you with?: A hundred or so people, maybe more but either way it is far too many names to name even if I could remember them all.

Did you kiss anyone at midnight? I did not have anyone to kiss. :(

Did you make any resolutions?: Resolutions are a little pointless when you're as perfect as perfect can get.

2011: Your Love Life

Did you break up with anyone?: Nope, did not have anyone to break up with.

Did you meet anyone special?: Hmm... I met some cool people but nobody that really stands out.

Did you fall in love? I am loveless. 3

2011: Friends and Enemies

Did you meet any new friends this year? Like I said a couple questions ago I met some cool people, volleyball has been good like that.

Did any of your friendships end? Friendships no, teammates yes.

Did you dislike anyone?: Nah, disliking people is too much effort.

Did you make any new enemies?: LOL Oh boy did I ever!

Did you resolve any fights?: I cannot say that I played the part of a peacemaker.

Who was your closest friend?: Um, I am not sure.

Who did you grow apart from?: There was somebody for awhile but it did not last.

Did you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships? No, I have no regrets... not even when I made some of my volleyball team quit.

2011: All about you.

Did you dye your hair?: Nope but there is a bit of it starting to change colour or rather lose its colour. :(

Did you get your hair cut?: It has been a couple months since I have got it cut, might need it again soon.

Did you change your style?: Maybe if I had style to begin with.

Were you in school?: Yes I was.

Did you get good grades?: I got some decent grades, have not checked my latest ones yet though. I am a bad student like that.

Did you have a job?: Nothing official.

Did you drive?: Nope, lots of busing though.

Did you own a car?: I wish.

Did anyone close to you give birth?: I had cousin and his wife gave birth and some people from back home had some kids as well.

Did you move at all?: Not this year.

Did you go on any vacations?: I would not call coming back to Drayton as a vacation, or at least not a good one.

Did you leave the country at all?: That is still a no.

2011: Wrap Up.

Is 2011 a good year?: It was an alright year, could have been better and could have been worse but overall it was on the positive side.

Do you think 2012 will top 2011?: I hope so, at least until the world blows up at the end of the year. lol

I confess that in 2011 I...

(x) stayed single for the whole year

(x) made out in/on a car

( ) kissed in the snow

( ) celebrated Halloween

( ) kissed in the rain

( ) had your heart broken

( ) broke someone else's heart

( ) had a stalker

( ) mooned someone

( ) went over the minutes on your cell phone

( ) had a good relationship with someone

( ) someone questioned your sexual orientation

( ) came out of the closet

( ) gotten pregnant

( ) had an abortion

( ) done something you've regretted

( ) kissed under mistletoe

OTHER

( ) painted a picture

(x) wrote a poem

( ) ran a mile

( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch

( ) posted a blog on MySpace

(x) listened to music you couldn't stand

( ) went to a sleepover

(x) laughed till you cried

( ) laughed till you peed in your pants

( ) visited a foreign country

(x) cut in a line of waiting people

(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't

(x) partied to celebrate the new year

In 2011 I...

[x] broke a promise

[ ] fallen out of love

[x] lied

[x] went behind your parents back

[ ] cried over a broken heart

[x] disappointed someone close

[x] hid a secret

[x] pretended to be happy

[ ] kissed in the rain

[ ] slept under the stars

[ ] kept your new years resolution

[ ] forgot your new years resolution

[x] met someone who changed your life

[ ] met one of your idols

[ ] changed your outlook on life

[x] sat home all day doing nothing

[x] pretended to be sick

[ ] left the country

[ ] almost died

[ ] given up something important to you

[ ] lost something expensive

[x] learned something new about yourself

[ ] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it

[x] made a change in your life

[ ] found out who your true friends were

[x] met great people

[x] stayed up til sunrise

[ ] cried over the silliest thing

[ ] was never home on weekends

[ ] got into a car accident

[x] had friends who were drifting away from you

[ ] had someone close to you die

[ ] had a high cell phone bill

[ ] spent most of your money on food

[ ] had a fist fight

[ ] went to the beach with your best friend

[ ] saw a celebrity

[x] gotten sick

[ ] liked more than 5 people at the same time

With 2011 at an end, do this and BE HONEST

1. Have you had any relationships this year?

I have not had any relationships this year.

2. Have you had your birthday yet?

Yes, and I had a baseball game in which I actually won the game for us. Then I had the weather ruin the rest of my plans for the day. Damn you mother nature.

3. Kissed two people in the same night?

Nope, though new years is on Saturday so you never know what might happen.

4. Pulled an all nighter?

Multiple ones... stupid procrastination.

5. Puked at all?

Pretty sure I started the year off puking.

7. Went Camping?

No camping for me this year.

8. Bought something(s)?

Nothing worth mentioning except for maybe Skyrim because it is Skyrim.

9. Met someone special?

Nope, nobody special in my life.

10. Been out of the country?

No I have not.

12. What are you thinking about?

I am thinking that I should really start packing, also I am hungry and wondering what I could snack on.

NAUGHTY

1. Have you drank alcohol this year?

Obviously but not a whole lot and a hell of a lot less than the year before.

2. Have you been kicked out of a store this year?

I wish, that would be fun.

3. Have you shoplifted this year?

Nah, I'm a good little boy.

4. This year have you gotten a detention?

Do they give detention in university?

5. Have you cheated on a test this year?

I wish I would have been able to cheat on some of my exams but no, I have not.

6. What was the worst feeling you last felt?

I got a bit of a case of the blues around my birthday.

7. Are you in a good mood right now?

I am hungry and indifferent with a touch of sleepiness.

8. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone for over an hour?

Actual voice communication on a phone is not quite my thing so nobody.

9. What made you cry today?

I was watching some comedy roasts and teared up from laughter a couple times.

10.Has a boy/girl ever called you babe/baby?

Probably but I could not say for sure.

11.What are you doing Tuesday?

Today was Tuesday and I did not do anything worth mentioning.

12.Will your next kiss be a mistake?

New Years is coming up so there is a chance that if there is a kiss it could be a mistake, it all depends on how drunk I am.

13.Have you ever kissed on a boat?

I am not even sure the last time I was on a boat.

14.Do you mind being cold?

Nope, I am Canadian I can handle the cold.

15.Do you trust all your friends?

No, not really. I do not trust anyone completely.

16.Are you afraid of falling in love?

I am not afraid to fall in love.

17.Have you held hands with anybody in the past week?

Actually yes, yes I have held hands with somebody in the past week.

18.Biggest annoyance in your life right now?

Possibly a snow storm if it ruins my travel plans later today, otherwise I got nothing.

19.Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize?

In my life, no. Just this year, yes.

Only Two Things Are Infinite

the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. (Albert Einstein)


On one of the few occasions I was able to grace my volleyball team with my company for drinks after a game the discussion between a few of them, two of which were teachers, turned to how about how the reality of life is that you cannot really be anything that you want to be in life. Now as per my usual self in social situations I did not add anything to conversation but the idea of that has been in my head and now wants to be let out.

Everybody always complains about how they hate stupid people or how the world would be a better place if we got rid of all them. Whether it has to do with their actual lack of intelligence or through a person's ridiculous actions, all of that complain is for naught. The truth of the matter is that society needs dumb people. When I use the term "dumb people" I mean those people who did not excel throughout their academic careers and that is not to say that they do not possess any intelligence or are not knowledgeable people in certain areas. There are just some individuals who were not able to achieve their maximum potential in school and those are the people I refer to by that term. Therein lies the problem with the educational system. It is just not designed to turn every student into intellectual superstars. From my experience in school it is more akin to a production line then anything else. Students get pushed ahead in classes and grades even when they do not fully understand the concepts and that lack of comprehension continues to pile up until they eventually either fail or in extreme causes flunk out completely. Something like that can start off in the lower grades without much notice and then when a person gets into the upper grades it can hit like a bag of bricks. Even more so when you take into account how in the upper grades you have the bulk of your final mark dependent on a midterm and/or an exam, especially in post-secondary education. This just leads to students to cram as much as they can right before the test and cramming is not an optimal way to study. The level of retention after that is minimal at best. The unfortunate truth about it all is that it is not a bad thing to have people not be able to reach their scholarly potential.

For a moment imagine a world full of doctors, and lawyers, and scientists, and other high level of intellect professions. Now is that world full of garbage? Doubtful, but it probably would be. The whole division within people who excel in school and those who do not is that you get a wider spread of future citizens to fill in holes in the fabric of society. Whether those holes are for the more prestigious professions or the ones deemed to be at the bottom of the barrel they need to be filled and because of that is why schools do not provide an optimal learning service and why we need dumb people.

It Is The Most Magical Time Of The Year

This past semester at school it has been nothing but math and unless you are a die hard math geek it just fries your brain. I was hoping that when Christmas vacation came along I would be able to unwind from all of that and get back into something that was a little more creative but after a few days of being back home I just have not been inclined to write anything. With any luck inspiration will strike soon.

It Is Better To Be Hated

...for who you are, than to be loved for someone you are not. (Andre Gide)



I hate people. Not anybody specific but in a general sense. As far as I am concerned, and have witnessed throughout my life people are selfish and self-serving. They are quick to judge without a second glance, always thinking they have you figured out when really they do not have a clue.

I am a quiet person, not always saying a lot in social situations, and certainly not opening up to others very easily. Being this sort of person I do not have a lot of friends, certainly not any close friends. My social life is non-existent aside from the fact that I play the occasional sport because I frankly do not have any one to do anything with and it is not any fun at all. Now whenever I do manage to something socially with people there is always somebody who brings up, or pokes fun, or asks the question about why I do not talk. Which is honestly the most annoying question in the entire world. Seriously.

I do realize that my lack of social life stems from the fact that I am not always the most vocal of people and the fact that people are the reason why I am the way that I am so it really is a bit of a catch twenty-two.

Most of my life has been spent alone, emotionally and physically. I started to get left home alone at a really early age, I never bonded with any of my family members and there was never the feeling of them being there for me if I ever needed them. Then within school, I was the outcast, I got picked on, teased, and made fun of constantly. The older I got the more it pushed me away from everybody. Inside school or sports I was nothing more than a shadow on the wall, or a ghost and outside of either it was like I did not exist. I really did not have any friends. There were times when I did try and fit in and be more social but I just always ended up feeling like I was tagging along or that I was not wanted. People literally did not notice when I was not around. I missed entire week of school once with the flu and not only did none of my classmates notice but none of my teachers did either. I apparently only missed one period the entire week.

Then there is the fact that the few people that I have actually let in, and opened up to do not even live anywhere near me or have just completely abandoned me to move on to whatever else in their lives. Because hey, who really has time to be a friend to me?

My lack of socialization and talking stem from the fact that I hate people because they are selfish, cruel and cannot be trusted. Everything in my life up until this moment has made me feel like I was and always will be destined to be alone and I cannot see that any other way. I am who I am and people just cannot seem to accept that so I do not need them. I do not need you.

One's Philosophy

...is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes ... and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility. (Eleanor Roosevelt)


During my time on this planet, my solution for dealing with everything was to keep it bottled up inside and after twenty some years it eventually caught up to kick me in the ass. Nowadays I try to make sure that I deal with everything and not keep it inside, or at least not keep it inside for too long. All summer long I was getting slightly more and more annoyed with certain people on my volleyball team so much so that when the opportunity presented itself a week ago I took it and spoke up for my chance to let that frustration out.

Of course whenever somebody speaks their mind it usually does not end well for all those effected and this was no different. After having two people quit and one more injury themselves already during the season, I caused three more to quit and left the team with only three players (myself included). Not only did I ruin three people's desire to play the game, but I also dragged two people unfairly along with me for the ride.

A question that I have always got from people is "why don't you talk?" And this is one of the reasons why. Whenever I decide to not bite my tongue, everything just gets messed up and there is nobody to blame but myself.

The Eyes.

It was New Years Eve way back in 1992 and I was eight years old at the time. My parents had been invited to a party, my sister had been asked to babysit, and the same had been done of my brother. At first my mom was hesitant to leave me home alone at night, which I was able to convince her that I would be quite capable of keeping the house in one piece. Besides, my sister was babysitting for the family next door, and my brother was babysitting for the family across the street.

It was a pretty uneventful night, where I went back and forth from playing games on my Nintendo and watching movies that my mom had rented for me and while I was watching one of the movies I had to pause it to go relieve myself. After coming back down from the bathroom, I had crawled under my blanket and hit play on the remote to enjoy my movie once more. When out of the corner of my eye I saw a head appear at the top of the living room window. It was only for a brief second because as soon as he peered in and saw me he quickly vanished from my sight, I could not see all his face however as he was wearing a ski mask. What I do remember quite clearly and vividly were his eyes. Pale blue eyes.

At first I thought I was seeing things, but not too long after it happened my brother called from across the street and asked me if I saw a guy peeking in the front window because he saw him from over there. Even after he said that I did not want to believe it for whatever reason and I denied that I had saw anything. I know that I did though and ever since that moment if I was alone downstairs I had to shut the blinds, or the curtains so I would not have to have those eyes peeping in on me again.

Being the bright kid that I was, and being able to remember those eyes I was actually able to figure out who it was exactly. Living in a small town there are only so many people who would have been tall enough to have their head be at the top of the window and only one of those tall people had that specific type of eyes. I never did mention it to anybody though, not until I just typed it right now.

Close The Door.

Write with no one looking over your shoulder. Don't try to figure out what other people want to hear from you; figure out what you have to say. It's the one and only thing you have to offer. (Barbara Kingsolver)



Once again I must apologize for my lack of writing the past couple months. My birthday was last month and it is admittedly the worst time of the year for me; this year proved to be no better. It had put me into this unshakable melancholy state that is still lingering on even now. Then you can add in the feeling of being abandoned by some people on top of that, which made things seem worse then what they really were or still are I guess. Such is life though. More often then not though people are out for nothing more than their own selfishness, which you cannot really blame them for either. After all it is just part of human nature. Even I cannot deny that I have had my moments where I have only looked out for myself, while walking away from others.

Shame on them and shame on me as well.

The Old Believe Everything

The middle aged suspect everything
The young know everything.
(Oscar Wilde)


I hate July. I hate July because my birthday is in July and I hate my birthday. It is nothing more than the biggest day of there year where I end up realizing just how unimportant and forgettable I am to the people in my life. A day that is and has been and likely always will be a day full of disappointment and rejection, instead of happiness and a sense of being special.

It does not matter how hard I try to fight it, or how positive I try to be, a shadow always manages to find its way to cast me in darkness and this time it is not lifting like it usually does after my birthday has passed.

For a couple weeks now I have been trying to figure out if actually coming back to school was a good thing or me being an idiotic fool. In the past three years I have managed to piece back together my life after it was shattered, get a job where I was making decent enough money that I was thinking about buying a house and then after working so hard to get my life into a good place I decided to throw that all up in the air to go back to school. I just do not know if that was a smart move, or maybe I am just caught up in my own self doubt. The last time I was at school I ended up losing faith in myself and in my ability to do anything I put my mind too. That is one thing I have never got back, not completely and I have a hard time believing that I will ever get it back.

Canadian Pride

"In a world darkened by ethnic conflicts that tear nations apart, Canada stands as a model of how people of different cultures can live and work together in peace, prosperity, and mutual respect." (Bill Clinton)


Canada Day, July 1st is a day of celebration, and a day to be proud that we live in one of the most desirable countries in the world. We are known all over the globe as friendly, polite and compassionate people and as the quote above points out that we set a standard of multiculturalism is able to co-exist and prosper within a country. For that reason I am truly proud to be Canadian.

As I was out in the great city of Ottawa this past Canada Day there was an incident where that pride had vanished.

I was making my way up Rideau Street towards Parliament, slowly trying to navigate the immense crowd when I was almost caught up in a fight between two individuals. I am not sure how it started, but there were two men amongst the crowd who started arguing. At first I thought it was nothing, that it would pass as a little tiff between two people who were frustrated by trying to find a path through the crowd of people. It did not. Again I would like to point how I did not hear everything that was said between the two of them so I do not know the whole context behind the argument. Now with that being said I cannot say whether this was a provoked response or just an out-lash but one of the gentlemen involved started cursing and yelling at the other and even dropped some racial slurs that I will not be repeating here.

It was a senseless shameful act on a day where when Canadians all over the country and the world celebrate everything that makes us who we are as a nation, including that of being more ethnically tolerant.

When I look out into the world and see all the hate and the discrimination I feel ashamed for humanity because we should be better than that and then witnessing that act on Canada I was ashamed of myself. Ashamed because when I saw it going on all I did was stand there watched and walked away. I did not speak up and I did not step in to break it up. The act of not standing up against an act of injustice is just as bad as committing the injustice yourself.

I thought I was a better person then that, though I guess not.

It Is The Confession

...not the priest, that gives us absolution (Oscar Wilde)


I have a confession to make, more than one actually.

My first confession is about my no drinking pop mission that I started and I will be perfectly honest with you all by saying that I drank pop today. It started after my baseball game when I simply had something burst inside my head that ended up fueling a rant that I wrote earlier. On my long walk home, I stopped off at a McDonald's and got a large glass of ice cold Coca-cola. It was what I needed at that moment in time, and in truth I might have dropped my shorts and said screw it to my no masturbation mission as well but sadly there were no extremely hot chicks there to scar for the rest of their lives. So that one is still intact.

My second confession is related to my first one and it has to do with my rant about baseball, because now that I have calmed down and really thought about it, it is not so much about all of what I said. It is and it is not. Everything I said is true to the letter but what upsets me the most is I miss my life in the summer back home. Last summer was the happiest I had been in a very long time, I was working like crazy and making some decent money, I was playing baseball two to three times a week, umping baseball every now and then and actually hanging out with people and enjoying life. I miss the guys I play baseball with back home, I miss going out to play a game with them on Sundays, then just chilling out, shooting the shit, drinking some beers and maybe barbecuing up some food after the games. Sunday ball back home is something I looked forward to since the day after it ends. For me it is perfectly simplistic and I miss it. That was what the rant was really about.

And that leads into my third and final confession of the night. For the first time in my life I am actually homesick. I hated my life growing up, I hated how I always felt about everything, I despised it all. I am not homesick about that, or even about my parents back there. I worked hard to piece myself back together and actually have some semblance of a normal life. Then just when everything was going better than it ever had I gave it all up to come back to school. To come back to Ottawa where I have like two people I know and I maybe will see them once a month, twice if I am lucky. From the beginning of May right until the end of August I barely had any free time, if I was not working, I was most likely playing ball. When I was playing in tournaments on the weekends and had to go into work Saturday morning I woke up crazy early so I could be sure to leave in time to go play ball. There were a few times when I would put in twenty plus hour days just so I could have fun. In comparison, I really have nothing here that even comes close to what I finally had last year. Oh well I guess, this whole emotional roller coaster that I am on today is just all my fault plan and simple.


So much for not letting myself feel any feelings anymore.

I Rant

...therefore I am. (Dennis Miller)


Deep breath in.

Deep breath out.

Deep breath in.

Deep breath out.



I am very irritated today to put it mildly. So much so that after my baseball game I decided to not take a bus home but to walk the approximately 3.7 kilometers, or for you Americans out there 2.3 miles. It is not that bad of a walk but considering that I could have easily just hoped on a bus and get home a lot sooner I think it says something about the temperament I was and currently still am in and also the fact that I had to carry all my ball gear the entire way too.

So the question is why am I so irked? Well lets take a step back for a moment to before I started playing baseball in Ottawa. I have a buddy who at one point said that I would absolutely for sure be able to play on the team that he plays on when summer came. Guess how that turned out. Yeah it was getting close to summer and I had not heard anything yet when I finally asked him what was up and he said that unfortunately all the spots were filled up. Fine, whatever it was no big deal I was sure I would be able to find something for myself. Now as I started looking for leagues or teams to play on I had to take in consideration the fact that I had to sign up by myself and that I would need to bus myself around to all the diamonds. I finally settled on the Ottawa Sports and Social Club (OSSC). They had individual sign ups and I could easily enough get to the diamonds without insanely long bus rides. Win, win for me... or so I thought.

The organization's slogan is "Recess for Adults... Just Play" and apparently they take that quite literally. The first aspect of what has been bothering me with this whole baseball thing is that the fact that as an individual I had to pay $125 to play in this league (it is a whooping $990 for a team) and we do not even have real bases to use. I do not know about any of you, but back in elementary school and middle school or junior high depending on what term you use for it, we had these cheep plastic mat type bases to use if we wanted to play a game of baseball at recess or during gym class. Those bases are great for schools and for little kids to be using since more than likely they would get ridiculously abused. As adults playing and for the amount of money that I had to pay to play I want real bases, bases that actually come off the ground more than a couple millimeters.

The second thing that just does not seem right to me is that there is no organization at the game site, the teams just show up, place the bases where they think they might go and play. There is no type of officiating so any close calls could easily result in some sort of confrontation, and there has not been one member of the OSSC show up to help organize things at the diamond or just do whatever really. I really just cannot for the life of me wonder how they can get by doing this sort of thing, especially considering that this shit is not cheap and at the games we get like nothing to show for the money we have put in accept the fact that we have a field to play on.

Really is it too much to ask for to see some more worth out of the money it took to play in this league other than a place to play and cheap equipment that we had to put a deposit on before they would give us anything.

Those things bother me, they really do but what bothers me the most is my team. I have been playing baseball now for 18 years. 18. On the site where I signed up, there were two skill levels that were available. Recreational, and intermediate. Not wanting to get stuck with people who have never played baseball before or were extremely awful players I choose to sign up for intermediate. Since I signed up individually, I got put with other players who did the same thing and before we had our first game and before we had met each other we sent out mass emails back and forth for things like team name ideas, who wanted to be captain. Simple things. One person though, was curious as to what kind of experience everybody had when it came to playing baseball. As everybody responded and stating their credentials, I was impressed that people had been playing for ten, fifteen plus years. I was genuinely impressed at the time, thinking that this should be a pretty good team. Again I bet you can guess where this is going...

*sigh*

I should have not been so foolish as to think that many years of experience translates evenly into a person's actual level of skill. My bad.

I am not saying that I am some sort of all-star player, I am by no means close to that. However, the level of skill I have seen from my fellow teammates is dismal at best. When I signed up I was wanting to avoid this very level of hell really. Now to be fair, not everybody on the team is lacking the skill I would have come to expect from people who have been playing for so long but in a game of 3-pitch, where not only are the pitches a nice slow easy to hit underhand pitch but you get to pitch to your own team too and yet all anybody seems to be able to do is hit ground balls right at a player. It is pathetic! It is not all that bad considering that when I pitch I actually seem to be able to pitch well enough for people be able to hit the ball and we have been able to get consecutive decent hits and runners on the bases. Alas, I do not always get to pitch so everybody else who tries cannot seem to be able to grasp the simple concept of throwing a ball underhand into a specific zone across the plate. No, that would be too easy. Instead we get pitches that are too high, that land short of the plate or are either too inside, or too outside. It is not hard to pitch a good pitch, seriously.

If it was only just the whole pitching and hitting thing, I might be less likely to feel how I currently feel and that is in a fit of rage and fury and the overwhelming urge to hit something very very hard... hard enough to break my hand or repeatedly enough to leave my hand bloodied.

Today during my game, I was playing short stop and there was a simple, routine infield pop fly. It was right to the guy playing second base, he did not even have to move an inch for it and yet his glove was shaking all over the place, his knees were wobbling like he was going to fall over and in everybody's amazement (including his own) he caught the ball. Before I was even able to fully grasp how dumbfounded I was at seeing that he made a comment that that was the first pop fly he had ever caught. I wanted to cry after he said that. I just really do not understand how somebody who has been playing baseball for a reasonable portion of their life has never caught a pop fly before and furthermore how does somebody who has never caught a pop fly before feel like he is good enough to play in league that is supposed to be full with people who have some actual skill and not just dumb luck. That is all his catch was, was dumb luck, the guy closed his eyes!

Picture me yelling profanity at the top of my lungs while ripping my hair out and then taking a gun to blow my brains out, that is how I felt at the moment.

I could go on and on and on about how terribly pathetic this team is, and how nobody knows how or what they are doing while playing but I am not going to because the more I think about it the more I get angry, the more my rage builds up and honestly it does want to make me not only beat the pulp out of something but also cry too. It is just so unbelievably sad and I have just under three more months of this left.


A little extra tidbit of information for you folks, when I was writing this there was a considerable amount of profanity and swearing going on inside of my head but I felt like if I would have added it all my rant would have just been a bunch of non-coherent gibberish.

Control Is Never Achieved

...when sought after directly. It is the surprising outcome of letting go. (James Arthur Ray)

I came across this little blog awhile ago (click here to see it) and since I read it, it has been stuck in my head. Now if you read the story, and you may want to read the story, it is quite provocative and very enticing. That is not why I am stuck on it though, it just seems to me that the actions would not progress the way that they she has told. So I propose my own little what if scenario for the talented writer to consider.

What if I was there right now?
What if I was leading you on and making you believe that you were going to take from me what you wanted?
What if you learned the truth?
The truth that you were not the one that was in control.

__She got down on her knees no kiss, no encouragement, just pure desire and curiosity. She was too caught up in what she was after to realize that I had other plans for her but I was willing to play along for a moment or two. Her hands hands running up his legs, slowly making her way up to her goal. The zipper between her fingers she pulls down on it as she looks up at him. This is my moment he thought and with no more warning then a slight smile and a shake of the head, in one fluid like motion he picked her up off the ground and slammed her back hard up against the wall. His eyes were locked onto hers, looking down at her, no words were being said, just an intense stare of desire between them that seemed to be for an eternity but was only a few seconds before he moved his leg between hers. Pressing his knee up firmly into that magical area of her body that would soon be his for the taking. Keeping her pressed against the wall, he started to lift his knee up higher and higher until they were eye to eye. A slow lick of his lips before he moved in closer, but not to kiss her, to tease her a little. Moving his lips lightly over hers then up her cheek towards her ear. Breathing slightly into her ear before whispering, "You're not in control, you never were." Moving his head away slowly, he gives her a sly smile before grabbing her tightly enough by her waist to leave marks. He now takes his knee away from supporting her and she is now completely at his mercy for him to do whatever he pleases.


I think I will be stopping this here, it's not quite as detailed or graphic as hers was but I think it is well enough and I hope that she will let me know what she thinks about my take on her little passion project.

And who knows maybe I will continue it someday on my own.


Today I am in a fit of rage. Everything from my baseball team to my computer has just buried itself inside of me and poisoning my usual calm and cool demeanor. Couple that with my sexual frustrations of last night and we get a continuation of my little story here.


There he is, holding her firmly and still up off the ground with his bare hands. She is helpless in this position, only able to wait until he makes his next move. He looks into her eyes as his grip around her waist tightens, his fingertips pressing deeply into her skin that the little bit of fingernails he has start to pierce her flesh. Her skin starts to sting slight as sweat gets into the little tiny marks. He lets her down slowly, sliding his hands down and out from underneath her shirt where he then grabs the bottom hem and lifts it up and over her, tossing it across the room. Looking down at her he plays with the straps on her bra, snapping them against her pale skin, he is enjoying inflicting little bits of pain on her and knowing that there is a lot more to come. He softly caressing her skin with his fingers as he traces line on her exposed skin, slowly and carefully moving downward towards her jeans. Popping off the button and undoing the zipper, he slides the jeans off of her legs and throws them with her shirt. Taking a moment to check out his prize, there she is standing there in nothing but her bra and panties. He smiles softly and picks her up once more carrying her towards the bed and throwing her violently onto it. Grabbing one of the knives she always keeps close to her bed, he slides it underneath the straps of her bra and cuts right through. He does this enough times so that there is nothing holding it there anymore and then lightly glides the blade down over her skin, just enough so that she can feel the blade but without leaving any cuts until with a quick little flick one little cut here, and another one there. Upon reaching her panties, he makes a couple quick cuts and rips them off of her, leaving her completely exposed. Again he starts tracing lines onto her skin with the knife, occasionally giving her little cuts until he brings the knife down between her legs. Switching his grip so that now he is holding the blade, he slides the pommel all the way inside of her until all that is left is nothing but the blade sticking out. Leaving the blade there for safe keeping, he moves her around on the bed so that she is on her back and her head is hanging over the edge. As he begins to take off his pants he says to her, "you finally get the taste that you always wanted." Now standing in front of her completely naked, with his cock swelling in his hands, he places the head of it on her lips and pushing it inside of her mouth. Rocking his hips gently back and forth working all the way to the back of her throat and as she begins to swallows it, he goes even deeper. Holding her by her shoulders, so that she is not able to move, he starts rocking his hips back and forth a little more aggressively and begins to put her mouth to some really good use.



Well I think that is enough for now but I will definitely have to get back to this at some point.

No Fucking Quote On This One.

This is the extent of my night. A girl who I slept with once has started to host poker nights about every month or so and invites me because well I like poker. Now her and I have some history due to the fact that we slept together once and I flat out ignored and avoided her for at least six months and in that process apparently broke her heart as she actually had real feelings for me, which I only just learned about. Regardless, another person who ended up showing up tonight was this co-worker of the girl I slept with, and her name was Haley. Now Haley did not just display a bit of cleavage, she put it out there for the world to see and I was sitting beside her and how things were set up was partially in the path of me view of the hockey game on the tv. So while I was looking at said hockey game I had ample opportunity to take in the wonderment of her bosoms. Awhile after we finished playing poker we get into talking about sex and sharing stories, which did not really help me at all seeing as not only have I gone without masturbating for over a week now, but also being caught up on checking out Haley over the course of the night. Needless to say I was a bit turned on. At one point I realized that I was never going to catch the last bus of the night that I needed to catch in order to get home. Haley however offered to give me a ride since she lived in my general area. I graciously accepted the offer and let my imagination run wild for a bit about what could happen. But then, it happened. About 10 minutes after the offer to give me a ride was put out there she brings up the fact that she has a boyfriend. I was just all fucking fuck fuck fuck! I was quite worked up at this point and was none to pleased to hear about that.

So as I sit here now typing this out I cannot help but feel that I have a slight case of the blue balls, mostly done to myself with letting my imagination getting out of hand with the nights events but it has happened. I have also realized that life is a cruel fucking bitch.



Please excuse the profanity.

Vices Are Often Habits

...rather than passions. (Antoine Rivarol)


This will be a quick and simple post that will address two things, a list of topics for future posts, and me challenging myself. Both of which will occur over a long period of time so this post will be updated periodically, so do not fret if you continue to see this over and over.

(Started May 26 2:14AM EDT - Last Update: June 1 9:41PM EDT)

The first being my lovely and new friend who offered up suggestion for a series of posts that I did last night (click here to see it) was gracious enough to offer up some more suggestions. Now as I finish this list off I will insert a link each suggestion with its corresponding page. Now here is her list.

I have so far done two off the list below, please feel free to click on the links below and enjoy.

-list ten noteworthy(to you) events that have transpired in the last 24 hours <<< link
-list 25 things you believe are good for the soul
-when all is said and done will you have said more then you have done
-what is the difference between living and existing <<< link
-whats the hardest thing you have ever had to tell someone
-what is worth dying for
-what brings out the best and worst in you
-what do you wish you didn't know
-what are ten facts about you that no one knows
-what are the three most powerful words in the English language..explain
-what makes you feel naked?
-whats a belief that you hold that most people disagree with



Secondly, as of this moment I am going to swear off two things for however long of a period of time as I can. The first one will be no more pop, or as some of you may call it soda. I drink a substantial amount of it and I really need to cut back, so here is to my success at that. The other thing I am going to give up may sound a little crazy to some, but that is I am going to stop masturbating for awhile. I have no real reason as to why, I just feel like I should. I do masturbate quite a bit, I am a single guy after all who has not gotten anything in quite awhile.

Days Without Pop: 7
Days Without Masturbation: 7

Wish me luck.

(June 2)
Well it has been a whole week now without either pop and without masturbating and well it has not been easy but I am nonetheless enduring the hardships that I have set out for myself. I am tempted though to use a loophole in the pop situation though. In essence I quit drinking pop because I was drinking a lot of it, but most because it was the only source of caffeine that I had. Being that I was only getting caffeine from pop I was drinking a lot of it to satisfy my body's craving for it, hence wanting to quit. There are however caffeine free pop flavours out there though, such as root beer, and 7up. I could exploit this and I may yet but for now I am not.

(September 16)
Took me awhile to get back to this but here I am with an update. I am proud to announce that I am caffeine free and even though there are moments where I want to gobble some up I have stayed strong and resisted the urges. I am however still drinking non-caffeinated pop, it is just too hard to completely resist but I am trying to drink it sparingly. Unfortunately with vice number two, the with-holding from did not last all that long but at least I was able to cut back from the number of times I did it, which is at least a positive.

The Best Thing About The Future

...is that it comes one day at a time. (Abraham Lincoln)




This is not going to be so much about a list of noteworthy events but a re-telling of the past twenty-four hours.

My day started when my alarm clock went off at eight o'clock in the morning, ok well really it did not start then because lets face it I stayed in bed for another hour before finally getting my butt up and out. At which point I then proceeded to hop from my bed to my computer to check messages, emails, facebook, you know the usual things. I ended up having a brief conversation with somebody while on there but interrupted it because I was in desperate need of a shower. Like it was so hot in my room I was pretty much sweating throughout the night in need of a shower. Yeah disgusting. Regardless I had my shower which was absolutely amazing. After my shower, I sat back down on my computer and continued my conversation with my friend for awhile longer.

Eventually I said my goodbye, put on some clothes and proceeded to head out into the world, to none other than get my monthly bus pass. Except I was having a bit of an off day and I attempted to leave three times before managing to remember everything that I would actually need on my trek across the city. On my way to catch a bus I stopped off at a bank and finally deposited my income tax refund. Only took me about a month to get around to do that. Oh by the way I love girls in tank tops, very nice and being tall gives the advantage of a higher viewing angle to make me being a sick pervert all the more better.

After the bank I headed over to the transit way to catch a bus and head my way over to St. Laurent Shopping Centre. Why St. Laurent you ask? Well it is because the lines for to get bus passes/tickets is a lot shorter than lets say the Rideau Centre. Upon receiving my bus pass I hoped back on a bus and headed on towards home, before I actually went back home though I stopped off at Walmart to pick up a few things. One thing I decided to do there was get my hair cut. Maybe not the best idea, but I did it nonetheless. Now I had a little lady who for religious reasons covers her own hair out in public, and here she is routinely cutting and styling people's hair. I found this to be an odd thing. Anyway I got my hair cut and went in search mode for a white curtain that I could use to help reflect some of the light and hopefully heat from coming into my bedroom window. Unfortunately they just did not have what I was really looking for and so I was disappointed. I did go and pick up some stuff to clean up my keyboard, it is fun stuff that's all gooey and squishes in to get around all the keys and clean everything out. I also picked up some pills, some candy and some non caffeinated liquid refreshments for myself.

Can I also mention that sundresses are hot? Really? I can? Good! Because they are so unbelievably hot, well except on fat people who should never be allowed out to play. I am a cruel person.

I walked on home with my bag of goodies only to find upon my getting there was that my roommates dog left a pile of shit on one of the steps. I was tempted to just leave it there for my roommate to have to clean up but it was very hot, humid and sticky and that caused there to be a bit of a smell. So I grudgingly cleaned it up, sprayed the spot with a ton of odour remover. After telling the dog that it was bad over and over I decided it was time to pull out some steak and get it marinating for my dinner the next day. And yes I made sure to wash my hands beforehand to make sure I did not get any fecal matter on them. I went rummaging through the fridge and started dumping a slew of things into a container, adding various herbs and spices along the way and slathered my steaks with the concoction. Wrapped them up and stuck them back in the fridge for everything to soak in thoroughly.

After I got done with that I was out of the house again! Busy, busy, busy. I was starving at this point and only had one craving on my mind to satisfy me and that craving was Subway. Mmm, mmm, mmm. So I walked over to the nearest Subway and ordered myself a foot long spicy italian, on honey oat, with double swiss cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, green peppers, onions, cucumbers, hot peppers, mustard and hot sauce. Normally I do not get it with any cucumbers but I thought I would mix it up a little, because I am totally a rebel like that. Anyway I brought my submarine sandwich back home where I quickly devoured half of it in what seemed like no time flat. I set the other half aside because I knew I would need it later at some point and mellowed out for awhile watching the latest episode of A Game of Thrones online. Great show. Then after that show, I ended up watching the latest episode of American Chopper - Senior versus Junior. I used to be a huge fan of watching them build the bikes and amazed at some of the stuff that they came up with, but with anybody who started out watching for the bikes you became engulfed by the family struggle that those two had and now that they have split, going there separate ways it is hard to not want to see them reconcile. So I watch the show, not just admiring the creative processes but hoping for them recapture apart of their father-son relationship.

Interspersed amongst all of that I had been messaging back in forth with a couple people, one an older friend who I was giving a hard time because she was cheating at her Harry Potter marathon. Skipping movies, seriously. Cheating. The other was a relatively new friend who is quite awesome, most of the time (laugh out loud). She is cool though. Before long though I had to get myself ready and venture back out unto this world of ours. I filled up my water bottle, grabbed a small towel, and a zip up hoodie, tossing them all into my backpack to take along with me. I grabbed a bunch of things off of my desk, shoving them into my wallet and off I went. Only to realize after about three quarters of the way to where I needed to catch a bus that I had forgot to grab my backpack and also some gum. Silly me. I stopped back in at Walmart, grabbed a bottle of water and some gum and was on my way to meet up with a couple people from my volleyball team at a pub. Our team captain, Y.K., had set a tentative time of meeting up at six o'clock and I am lucky I did not aim for that time. I showed up about 6:30pm and found no one else there. After some idle chit chat with the one waitress who asked me if I was at the right place, seeing as there were a total of three similar places along the street. I assured her that I was at the right one and sat down at a table to wait it out for awhile. Thankfully, it was only a few minutes later that Susannah showed looking quite nice since she just came right over from work. We talked a bit and ordered a drink before our fearless captain finally showed up. It ended up only being the three of us but that was a lot better than me just being there by myself.

We finished our drinks and headed on over to where we play volleyball and practiced a little while more team members showed up for our game and we set off to kick some ass. Though unbeknownst to use the other team had a bit of a secret weapon in the form of a very tall, pale and relatively skinny guy in a wife beater and an old school pair of short shorts. The idea was to distract us, but luckily for us there was one girl on the other team who was more distracted then any one else and well I picked on her as much as I could with the ball. We had quite the decisive victory over them the first match, switched sides and fell apart a little bit. There secret weapon was also fairly good and for a moment some of our players were having a hard time getting the ball over the net without putting it within his reach. We fought back a bit but without any luck and lost the second match. The third match swung things back into our favour. With some skill and luck we had for the first time won the match and the game overall with two sets to one. We played around a bit after since we still had time remaining and then went and had a drink together. We talked some more getting to know each other better since none of us had really done that yet as a complete team and it was quite enjoyable.

After awhile, we decided that it was time to call it a night and headed our separate ways. After walking to the O-train, hopping on that and then a bus to home it was about 11:00pm when I finally got home. I had sat down at my computer for a bit and decided I should send an email to Susannah, who asked if I wanted to play tennis with sometime during the night and just wanted to confirm that whenever she wanted to get together and play I would be up for it and or even if she wanted to work on her volleyball skills I would be happy to help. So with that done I crawled into bed and messaged with Shannon again until I rudely fell asleep on her without saying anything to her. My sleep did not last that long though. I am not sure when I fell asleep exactly but I woke up at like 4am and just could not fall back asleep. The entire time I was tossing and turning and trying to fall back asleep all I could smell was the other half of my sub that I had set aside. It drove me nuts and sure enough I gave in and ate the rest of it and boy was it ever tasty.

I then started to write this and that is roughly my past twenty-four hours.

Questions Are Never Indiscreet

...answers sometimes are. (Oscar Wilde)


Are you tired of looking for the perfect question? Tired of not finding the one that you want? Well you are in luck! Here at Crazy Quincey's Question Emporium we are having a question bonaza! AND! For a limited time offer, we will throw in the answer for free! Now is that a deal or is that a deal?

what is one thing the world could do without?

► Just one thing? I could easily make a huge list what the world could do without but I think for the sake of this I will limit myself to just one. Money. If we could live in a world without money I think everybody would be much better off, no trying to just make ends meet, no greed, no class segregation between the wealthy and the poor.

what is something the world could use more of?

►Vegetation, this world is needing more and more vegetation, preferably of the green variety. We all know about global warming and whether you want to believe it or not is a whole other discussion, but bear with me for a moment though. The dinosaurs were as big as they were because they lived in a period of Earth's history that had a highly oxygenated atmosphere. Now I for one saw something strange in high school, the preceding classes coming up got smaller and smaller. Sure it is possible that there is a completely different and viable reason for that but it is at least something to ponder over. Then of course besides the extra oxygen there is the matter of more food, more trees to climb, more meadows to frolic in, etc, etc, you get the idea.

What is one skill you have that you are most proud of?

►One thing about me is that I do not have any skills that really stand out ahead of anything else that I am capable of doing though, there is one thing that I have been complimented on numerous times by various people. That is I have a bit of a talent for writing. Personally I do not see it but sometimes you just have to trust in other people's judgements.

If you could change your name what to and why?

►For the longest time I got called by my last name, so much so that even a few of my teachers called me by it, it was strange. Also, a little sad because about eighty percent of the people who knew of me, did not even know what my first name was, oh well what are you going to do? Change your name to fucking Bruce Wayne that's what! Hell yeah bitches, and then my nickname could be 'Batman' how epic would that be?

What are the three most important words in the English language?

►This is a difficult question that all depends on your definition of importance. For me I would have to say that the three most important words are "How are you?" Not just a simple how are you out of curtsey, but an honest to god, actually caring to hear what the person has to say how are you.

What is one thing you want to tell someone but you can’t for whatever reason?

►One thing that I want to tell someone but cannot for whatever reason would be to say this, You are the absolute worst person I have ever met, or ever known, and that I feel absolutely sorry for the baby that you brought into this world it deserves a whole lot better then you.

Forgetting how old you are according to reality terms how old do you think you are?

►I am going to attack this question on three fronts, mentality, maturity, and physical. My mentality is younger than I actually am, I do not live my life as being grown up, or an adult, it is more of an misguided youth. Maturity wise I would say that I am well beyond my years, always have been. Now physically I am finally catching up with my age, sure I will still go out and do things that I know I should not be doing because I am hurt in whatever way, it is no fun to sit on the sidelines. Doing that for so long over the years has definitely strained my body and I am slowing down a bit.

Can you lie without saying anything?

►Yes, you can totally lie without saying anything. Body language has a huge impact in any sort of social contact and can sometimes say a lot more than words.

If you could get one message out to the world and have them all listen to you what you you say?

►To save this from getting into one very long speech I will simplify it for everybody. Get your fucking heads out of your asses and smarten the fuck up.

If you could spend a day with no repercussions how would your day go?

►I really do not have an answer for this, I just do not know. Go around feeling all the ladies up? Rob a bank? Kill somebody? Just walk around naked for the entire day? Pee all over George W's leg/ All things that I could do but I do not see the point, ok well maybe the last one would be worth doing.

Are there skeletons in your closet that shouldn’t be?

►I do not think so, my closet is pretty bare, though at the same time people might just be oblivious to what all is out in the open so I do not know if that counts or not.

Have you ever done something wrong that constantly haunts you?

►Masturbating, seriously, the billions of sperm that have no chance at fulfilling their life's destiny solely because I could not keep my hand out of pants. Sad, so sad.

Whats worth more risk and reward or moral rightness??

►Risk and reward, hands down. You can live your life on the moral high ground all you want but you cannot get anywhere in life unless you are willing take the necessary risks, there just is no argument on this one. Sure it sucks that you have to risk it all but that is just apart of life and the feeling of hitting it big after risking it all is one of the greatest feelings you can have.

If you answered moral rightness do you actually have what it takes to not just say it but do it?

►Since I did not answer moral rightness, I cannot really answer this properly but I will answer it regardless. Do I think I could have what it takes to not just say it but back it up? Yeah I do, not so much because I have any sort of actual set morals about things but because I know the difference between right and wrong and I would much rather do right by others than to wrong them.

Would you break the law for a loved ones life?

►As in saving a loved ones life? Yeah, without a doubt. There is no greater cause worth fighting for then love. Love makes everything else in the world seem pale in comparison.

What is the most important thing to you right this moment? Will it still be that important to you at 90 years old?

►I guess right now the most important thing for me is that I am still alive, that does not really say much but it is nice to still be here living on this planet. I am sure down the road that my answer will change and I hope it does but for now, in this moment that is what it is and I imagine that when I am 90 years old I would still value being alive.

What are you thinking right now??

►Ahh the thoughts that are all up inside my brain at the moment in time. Well I give a bit of a rundown at what is all inside of there.
- A girl who has given me more to think about pretty much everything than anybody else ever has.
- Poker on Saturday night, hopefully win me some moolah.
- How hot and sticky it is in my room, and how it feels like a bit of a sauna.
- That I need a haircut, preferably tomorrow, as well as a few groceries.
- Volleyball tomorrow.
- Mmm juice.
- And how this has taken me longer to write then I thought it would.

If you could do it all over again would you change anything?

►I have answered this question over and over many times before amongst my posts, and the answer is and will always be a resounding no.

If you had to teach something what would you teach?

►As in a scholarly subject? I would say I would teach either math, physics, or perhaps even philosophy.

Time or money?

►Well in this day and age, time is money so they are essentially one in the same. That sort of defeats the whole question so you are just out of luck.

What made you smile last?

►

What is it you fear the most?

►I fear that I will be right, and that I will be alone for the rest of my life.

Who is it you hate the most?

►Honestly speaking, I really do not hate anyone. There are people that I dislike for various reason but I would not say that it is strong enough to go to hate. If I have to choose the one that I dislike the most, I would have to go with my brother.

What makes you the saddest?

►Feeling like my life just is not worth it, that I would be better off if I just was not here at all. That makes me the saddest and it is an unshakeable feeling sometimes.

What turns you cold with fear?

►Going into the water at the beach or in a pool, I am not a water person and I cannot swim at all, not even float, so I do freak out whenever I attempt to go in larger pools or bodies of water sometimes.

Live and never love? or love and know heartache?

►Speaking from experience and knowing both the feeling of love and heartache I would have to go with the latter. Just experiencing the feeling of love at all is well worth any pain that might eventually come with it, even though in most cases it takes a lot of time to come to that realization.

5 traits that are stereotypically the opposite sex that are very much your traits as well

►Five traits, not sure if I can do that but I will give it my best shot.
1. I am a sensitive person and not afraid to get in touch with my emotions from time to time, though for the most part I do tend to hide them very well.
2. You know that whole Jedi mind trick that a woman can do bringing up what seems like every little thing against you in a fight? Yeah I can do that, I love it.
3. This might fall under the whole sensitive thing but I am giving its own trait. I am very caring person, even to those that I have never met or know.
4. I like to cook. I know this might sound a little sexiest, or make it seem like I think woman to belong in the kitchen, I do not think that at all.
5. I can appreciate a nice shoe. Not pumps, not heels, or any other kind that you woman go ga-ga over. Comfortable shoes, that I actually wear more than once in a lifetime.

The Whole Secret Of Existence Is To Have No Fear

Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed. (Buddha)


I recently had a conversation with a friend and it led to some things being said about that needed to be said and to be heard. It ultimately boils down to what the difference is between living and existing in this world. I am not proud of it, nor am I ashamed of it, but I am the former. I just live in this world I do not exist in it.

The way I see it to exist in this world is to be apart of it, not just to simply be alive and living your life, but to reach down deeper inside yourself. To share yourself with others and connect deeply with all living things whether it is in an positive or negative way. My friend was right when she said what is the point of being alive if you were not willing to share yourself with others. There is no point, and to not share is to be living a dead life. I do know this and I do understand this completely. The key point in there though is that you have to share yourself with others to exist and even though I open myself up to care about others, I keep myself closed when others try to get in. That is why I only live in this world and not exist.

I have said and this is still as true as ever that I am who I am, and there is nothing I would change about myself if I could. There is no bullshit about that. I have had my moment when my world came crashing down around me because it was too much for me to bear any longer. Even though the circumstances around that might seem less significant when compared to others, but for me it was nothing less than rock bottom. To keep this simple, I had lost faith in everything, including the only thing that I ever had to truly rely on and that was myself. There has never been another time in my life when I had wished more for death to come take me away so that I could just move on to whatever lies beyond. Right now in this moment in my life I only live it, because just simply living in this world is essentially being dead to it and that is what I am. I am dead.

I live my life without letting others in because this is my way of cutting myself, my way of committing suicide a million times over without actually doing it. I would not change who I am because deep down to the core of my being this is what I believe I deserve and need right now in my life. Not because I am some masochist that needs to feel pain to feel alive. So that when I finally find the faith that I lost in myself I will be a much stronger and better person because of this.

Sleeping Is No Mean Art

For its sake one must stay awake all day. (Friedrich Nietzsche)

It was been awhile since I have been on here writing quizzical nonsense and at the direction from a new friend was told that I should go blog about something. Not knowing what to write about I asked her what I should write about and she was kind enough to give me some suggestions. So this post is dedicated to you.

The suggestions that she gave to me were:
1. Best thing that has happened in your life.
2. The most traumatic event.
3. Write a letter to three different people telling the things you would never actually say in person.
4. A list of 10 regrets, and a list of 10 goals.

Now with the help of the oh so wonderful insomnia I will attempt to get as much of them as I can before I eventually crash for a few hours of sleep.

Seeing as there is multiple suggestions I am going to break them up, and furthermore since the first two are past events that have happened in my life I am going to go ahead and post them on my other blog The Memories That Were. As for them and the others I will post associated links on here as they become finished, all you will have to do is click each suggestion on the list above to view each of their corresponding posts.

It Is Never Too Late

...to be what you might have been. (George Eliot)


This post is supposed to contain a list of ten regrets that I have, and ten goals that I have set for myself but it is not going to have either of them. Sorry for letting you down on that but you will see why soon enough.


The only regret that I have is that I never finished my university degree and as of this past September I came back to school to rectify that so I really have no regrets. I am sure that none of you will believe me about that but it is the truth. Sure there have been times in my life in which I wish I would have done things different so that maybe things would have turned out differently. Coming up on three years ago I made the realization that I am who I am because of everything that has happened to me in my life, the good and the bad, and I would not want to change who I am for anything. Which means that if I were to have regrets about my life, means that I would want to change a part of who I am, so I have none. Again I am sure that there are those who might think that I am crazy for not wanting to change anything about myself but there really is not. Anybody who has actually taken the time to get to know me knows that I am not a normal person. I do not try to be something that I am not, I am just simply me. I am unique, one-of-a-kind. Why would I want to ever change that? If people do not like me for who I am, then it is not my loss, it is theirs.

So I have no regrets, but do I have any goals? Well, the thing is it is hard to set goals when you do not know what you want out of life. The only thing I have really ever wanted to do with my life is to change the world, to make it a better place. Talk about going big or going home right. I have had thoughts and ideas on how I could but realistically speaking none of them are possible with today's standards. I could always go for more realistic goals, like growing old, getting married, having a family. I could but then again I do not. A wise man once said "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." (Alfred Lord Tennyson) We have all heard that before and I have had love and not just some crush, or fleeting desire, or lust, or even the general conception of what love is. I have had true love, a love so grande that it escapes all possible definitions, no amount of words could ever hope to describe it's true power, and no actions could ever convey its full meaning. Unfortunately, find a love like that is few and far between, that is evident with the extremely high divorce rate. I have had that once in my life and life took it away. How could I settle for anything less than that again? I cannot, I can only hope to get it back some day but that is not for me to decide. Only time will.

So I do not have any regrets, and I except for the impossible, I do not have any goals either. The only thing for me is to take what life gives me and try to make the best of it as much as I can.

I Consider It A Good Rule For Letter-Writing

...to leave unmentioned what the recipient already knows, and instead tell him something new. (Sigmund Freud)


Three short letters, to three different people.


Letter 1

To L

I had the hugest crush on you throughout school, since about grade 7 until we graduated from high school. Pathetic I know, to go so long and I could not even look at you in the eyes because I would get flustered and become more quiet than I already was and I do not know how that was even possible. I remember one time in grade 7 we were the first ones to get done some sort of math related word search first and were asked to go set up the volleyball nets in the gym for us to use in our next period. After we got done setting them up, I grabbed a drink at the fountain in the hall and you walked back to class and all I could do was try not to drool as your hips wiggled perfectly back and forth. I was in a trance. If only I had not been that shy quiet nervous guy for all those years.



Letter 2

To C

For everything you did to people, to our parents, to our friends, to our neighbours, it is unforgivable. You were nothing more than an idiot with your so called acts of rebellion which were nothing more than pathetic pleas for attention. Seriously, who runs away five times and comes crawling back each time before finally leaving for good? You were selfish and for no reason at all, none whatsoever. Whatever respect I had for you up until the point was lost and it is not something you will ever get back.



Letter 3

To H

I am sorry I never said goodbye to you one last time before you passed on, it was selfish of myself. Death does not bother me like it does most others and even though it would have meant nothing to me to go pay you a last visit, it would have meant something to you in your final time on this earth. May your soul rest in peace for all eternity.

The Traumatic.

Everybody has the events in their lives that leave us with a mark on the very core of our being, and with everything in life they can be for the better or for the worse. This is one of those negatively traumatic experiences that is still with me to this very day.


First a little bit of a back story. I was born in Kitchener, and a few months before my second birthday my family had moved to a small little town called Drayton. Actually it is not even a town, population wise it is still considered a village. Way back when before the world started to really turn more toward the dark side, it was a really close-knit and peaceful community. It did not take long for my parents to make friends with the neighbours and eventually my mom would go over in the mornings to a few of the neighbours for coffee and well gossip. Now sometime when I was two my mom asked me if I wanted to go over with her and I guess I said no I did not want to go. I was a kid, hell I was a toddler so I was generally bored out of my mind whenever I went. All I wanted to do was watch my children's shows on tv. Anyway, I said no one day and my mom left me at home while she went to the neighbours. I always knew which neighbours she was at and I was a bright kid, I knew how to get a hold of her if I ever needed to, or in some instances, once my shows were over I walked over there. I have a memory of myself walking up the street in my blue footie pajamas to go get my mom to come home and make me some lunch.

Now, the fact that I was left home alone at such an early age is pretty traumatic in itself but it gets a little worse.

One day when I was four years old, my mom had gone out to one of her friends for her morning coffee/gossip session except this time she was going a tiny bit further than usual. Her friend Cathy lived relatively close by, but unlike the usual places my mom would go, Cathy's house was on the other side of the main street in town. Now after have walking over to several other neighbour's houses I was confident in myself that I could do the same this time. So after I finished watching The Friendly Giant I set out to go get my mom. Everything was going fine, I double and tripled checked for cars before crossing the street but then two-thirds of the way across something happened.

All I remember is this...

I can remember collapsing, I do not know why, or what caused it but I collapsed. As I was falling down, I can remember seeing Cathy's two kids, Mark and Michelle, come around the corner at the main intersection as they were on their way home from school for lunch.

I can remember sprawled out on the road and trying to move but all I could do was lift my head up, and when I did that I saw a car start coming over the little hill in the road and right at me. By the way it was a white car with partial tinting on the windshield, if anybody is interested in knowing that.

Next thing I remember is being inside of Cathy's house and on a pair of crutches that Cathy had lying around from when she broke her ankle and that they were massively too big for me and for whatever reason my knee was sore.


That is really all I remember from that day. Now before you go on bashing on my mom about how horrible it was for her to be leaving me alone like that and yadda yadda, there really is no point. Sure it was not the right thing to be doing and for the longest time I held it against her but I have come to terms with it and what it has done to me psychologically. I am who I am today because of everything that has happened to me in my life up until this point in time. Despite everything that has happened I would not change anything if I had the power to do so because in doing so I would change who I become and I would never want to change who I am.

The Best.

After a lifetime of not so happy memories, it is sometimes tough to pick out any of the good things that have happened let alone the best of them. If I had to actually make a choice I would have to say when I first started dating my first girlfriend Rebecca. This is the story of how we started dating.

After coming off of a dismal social life back home that I would try to get a head start doing the one social method that I was comfortable dealing with, the internet. I decided to make an account on hotornot.com. Yeah I know it is quite sad of me to say but that is the route that I took. Seeing as I would soon to be heading off for what turned out to be year one of round one at university I started to try and connect with people that would be in Ottawa so that maybe, just maybe I would not feel like such a loser when I moved there. I actually ended up talking to a few people and attempted the big meet up with a couple of them. The first one, Amanda, ended up being my first sexual experience and another one whose name is not coming to mind who chickened out literally at the last minute. I am sure by now that you can guess who one of the ones that I met off of there ended up being… yep Rebecca. She also attended the same university, unfortunately though we had not started talking until mid-December, which also happened to be exam time so we had a lack of time to actually meet up and then of course there was Christmas break. It was not until the third week in January that we ended up getting together and hanging out. I was just invited over to her dorm room to hang out with her, her roommates and a few other people that lived on her floor. Later on that night we ended up going into her room and put on a movie but of course that did not really happen and we ended up doing everything but sex multiple times that night. At one point after we had already gotten each other off I asked her if she had any condoms and her exact words were “not on the first night babe,” so harsh. My thoughts to that were well I guess I am going to have to come back another night and so I did about a week and a half later. I was invited to go skating with her and her friends on the canal, after that we watched a movie for a bit with her roommates and then went into her room to go watch a movie of our own which ended up being an all-night sex-a-thon. Ok well not all night we only did it three times and then passed out after a handful of hours. Now as I had been getting closer to Rebecca, I was also getting closer to a girl on my floor Danielle. Now, Danielle and I never actually ended up doing anything more than some cuddling in the tv lounge late at night when nobody else was awake it did pose a little bit of an uneasy tension between Danielle and I because she knew I had been spending time with Rebecca. I also had told Danielle that I had not yet slept with Rebecca, which at the time of me telling her that was true. However, after my little three times in one night which I will admit I was proud of, I made a little metaphorical comment on my MSN status to boast about it a little bit. Obviously, that was a stupid idea because not too long after that I was on my way to get some food with Big James when we ran into Danielle and Big James just had to make a comment about it and make me spill the beans. So yeah I was not happy about that because I did like both Danielle and Rebecca and was not sure which way I should go but this forced my hand and did not quite have a choice about which way to go. The entire time I was trying to decide whether to go for Danielle or Rebecca, Rebecca was kept in the dark about Danielle and later on Rebecca was kept in the dark about a little encounter I had with Allison. It had been about a month since Rebecca and I had started to sleep together, and the only time either of us had tried to bring up about whether or not that we were dating was when one of us was drunk and neither of us were sure what we wanted exactly. Now in residence we had this nice little program (DC++) set-up so that everybody in a dorm room could share music, movies, pictures, or whatever. It also had a little handy built in chat feature that I had used a few times and ended up talking to Allison, who also lived on my floor but I never really had met. So one day in late February we got together to go watch a movie in her room and yes I am sure as you all can guess we ended up having sex and in my opinion it was pretty damn good. Except for one small thing, I had no emotional connection to Allison. Not like I did with Rebecca. This was the first time that I realized just how much that I actually liked Rebecca and sure enough three days later Rebecca and I started officially dating. It was the first time in a very very long time that I was actually truly happy and for that reason is why it was the best thing that has happened to me in my life.