He Who Has Not Christmas In His Heart

...will never find it under a tree. (Roy L. Smith)

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through my head,
Where thoughts upon thoughts of things that have been said;
Images are racing along like cars on the road,
The darkest of secrets are an unbearable load;
It's supposed to be a time of happiness and joy,
Sadly it's not for this particular boy;
So upon my face will sit a fake smile and grin,
Pretending to enjoy the company that I'm in;
Counting down the minutes until the end of my blight,
While wishing a Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Memory Is Deceptive

...because it is colored by today's events. (Albert Einstein)


Oh what a day it was today.

My sleeping has been entirely messed up as of late, so as I woke up at about 8pm last night I decided that I might as well just try and stay up all day today and go to bed early to try and fix my dilemma. All was going well as it started off and was able to talk with a friend who's a quarter of the world away from here, which is not something that I get to do too often. At one point I had come back into my room leaving the door open and laying on my bed reading when my roommate's dog decided to join me. Instead of laying down after she hoped up on my bed she sat there for a moment and then decided to kick out her front legs and fall down, but as she fell down on the bed her one paw got me right in the eye. Never thought I would ever get punched by a dog, I guess there is a first time for everything. After businesses started to open up I decided I needed to go out into the city and get somethings done. One of which was get a new debit card seeing as I got a message from my bank saying that some place I used it at was now being investigated and my card may now be compromised. So I went to the nearest branch and got a temporary card. Then I headed off to St. Laurent shopping center to go get a new bus pass for December. I walked around the mall for a bit afterwords getting idea for Christmas presents for people. I got a few ideas but wanted to go check out some other places so I hoped on a bus and then transferred to another one to go to Billings Bridge which would have taken less then ten minutes to reach but I manged to doze off anyway. So I ended up on my way to Kanata, after staying on the bus an extra forty minutes, when I finally realized my predicament and got off quickly only to catch another bus back. I decided at that point that I should just head home so after I caught the bus I cranked my iPod so I would not fall back asleep again. On this leg of my journey today, we stopped at one of the bus stops along the way and this guy comes on rocking a full on mullet and I chuckled to myself, then as he moved towards wear I was sitting and people ahead of him got out of the way I noticed that he was wearing a fanny pack. I wanted to just point and laugh but I really did not have the energy for it at that point. A little while later I managed to get off at a connection to the O-train and upon getting on said O-train I got on to be asked for my proof of payment for riding by a rather cute female transit authority officer. Of course I was just barely awake, holding onto a bottle of pop which made me bumble around to get my bus pass open for her to see so I felt rather foolish at that. I get off the O-train at my stop and as it is pouring down rain, I start to walk to Loblaws since I have zero actual food at home and I figured it would be a good idea to pick up something a little more healthy to eat. Of course this makes me think of the places where I have used my debit card recently and I came to the conclusion that the only places I had used it in the past month is either Loblaws or Walmart so either one of them would have to be the place that is under investigation. Always good to know that places so big are being hit by scammers. Anyway though I finally made it back home and collapsed onto my bed where I fell asleep rather quickly at about 3:30pm. Woke up about 3 hours ago and here I am writing this up.

Of Course You Don't Die

Nobody dies. Death doesn't exist. You only reach a new level of vision, a new realm of consciousness, a new unknown world. (Henry Miller)

The existence of higher beings

by me on Thursday, July 12, 2007 at 5:28pm (facebook note)

Just under two and a half weeks ago I was up in Sauble walking along the beach and talking with Katie. Religion got brought up and I mentioned how I do not believe in religion or in higher beings; meanwhile, Katie was saying how she does not believe in religion but does believe in a higher being. Ever since I've been playing around with this idea in my head and this is what I've come up with.

I still do not believe in religion, or in higher beings but I do now believe that they exist and I do realize how contradictory that sounds. Keep in mind that the following are my opinions and my beliefs and not meant as any sort of attack on those of you that do believe. So, if you want to comment on them by all means do so but please keep it respectful.

The reason why I do not believe in a higher being stems from the theory that "God" did not create man, but man created "God." This was brought about by looking at all the different beliefs of either a single higher being or multiple ones and coming to a conclusion that the main purpose for a higher being is to explain the unknown. If you look at all the different mythologies such as the Greek, Roman, Egyptian, Norse, Mayan, etc...there are many gods each having a different purpose to help explain the naturally occurring things in the world. Example, Zues and his lightning bolts. Over time the human races' understanding of the world has grown and obviously the need for the multiple higher beings is gone. The biggest unknowns in the world how did we come to be and what happens when we die. Which is the fundamental basis behind the single higher being faiths. So humankind came up with these beings to give explanation for what all happens in life and in the world giving me the conclusion that "God" did not create man, but man created "God."

While I was thinking about this, the old question about if a tree falls in forest and no one is around does it make a sound came into my head. The answer to this question is no, scientifically speaking when the tree falls and hits the ground it does not create sound but sends waves or vibrations through the air, ground and any other medium. It is only converted into sound when these vibrations are picked up by our ears, turned into an electrical signal and then interpreted in our minds to what we know of as sound. Therefore, unless there is somebody around sound cannot exist. What this has to do with whether or not higher being exists is this...sound only exists because it is the creation of our minds, which is not unlike people's beliefs in a higher being. Higher beings were originally a creation of the mind to explain the unexplainable, and it is the fact that as long as there are people who believe in them they will exist, just like if there is somebody around to hear it, sound exists. Just like if there is nobody around to hear the sound then it cannot exist and if nobody believed in a higher being they would not exist either.

Even though because of my beliefs tell me that they do not exist, I have to acknowledge the fact that they do exist because of all the people in the world who believe in them.

Now obviously this is was an old note that I wrote and posted on Facebook, which is sort of a preface for my following blog post.

The Afterlife.

Now I realize that for a person who does not believe in god or even in religion that I would not believe that there would be an afterlife either. Even though that is a logical conclusion it is not the case for me anyway. It is said that there are three parts to a person, the mind, the body, and the soul. Each playing an important part to a person's life. For obvious reasons the "body" part is strictly restrained to the a person being alive. The "mind" is the embodiment of the person's intelligence, whereas, the "soul" is that of the person's emotions/feelings or character (or even the lack thereof in certain cases).

These last two aspects are what I believe pertain to a person's transformation from life to the afterlife. A person's intelligence is linked with the person's brain and all it is essentially just electrical signals firing between the various neurons. It is energy, it can be measured using an electrocardiography test (more commonly known as an ECG or EKG). Now for the "soul" it is still a bit of a mystery to what it actually is exactly; however, there are those who say that a person's "chi" or "aurora" which is basically the same as the person's soul is just that person's energy. Again a form of energy. So they are both forms of energy, big deal right? Wrong! Here is a little bit of science for you.

The first law of Thermodynamics, also known as the law of conservation of energy, states that: energy cannot be created of destroyed, it can only be converted from one form to another. What that means is that the total amount of energy that is in the universe is constant. In the case of a person's death, this is saying that the energy from the person's "mind", "body" and "soul" are being transferred back into the world around us. For the "body", it will slowly decompose or cremated transferring the energy that it holds within itself back into the world. On the other hand, the energy of the "mind" and the "soul" will start to transfer back when the body is starting to shut down. For a slower more natural death the energies are just released back with no paranormal effects. It is my belief that there are cases in which either the "mind" or the "soul" are strongly tied to strong spiritual beliefs, some sort of traumatic effect, or even through emotional attachment to a person, object, or location.

Religion is everywhere you look and in all sorts of various forms. Everybody will develop their own beliefs that stem from their religious backgrounds about what will happen to them when they die, and what happens in the afterlife. Whether it be heaven, hell, reincarnation, nothing at all, etc... In my opinion this is the first tier of what actually happens to us when we pass on because whether we believe in a religious belief or not our minds will inevitably fall upon what we truly believe as we fade into death. So as we fade our energies will be transferred into those beliefs and manifest themselves as such, whether that take the individual person to heaven, or hell, or to those who do not believe in an afterlife to nothing at all.

Trauma has quite the effect on people. Causing them to reflect on themselves and how their life has been up until that point and in instances where a person is in extreme trauma this reflection is even higher. As this occurs it stirs up all sorts of emotions, and feelings that ties the person to the traumatic event. Again this fits in with the theory that a person's energies can transfer onto the next life and if this attachment has a strong enough emotional connection, which is the result of chemical reactions, it can last for the rest of their physical life and onto the next.

That sort of emotional attachment can be from a negative aspect, for example, being murdered or suffering excruciating pain or through more positive feelings, such as, love. Where traumatic attachment usually deals with more negative feelings, strong emotional attachments to a person or object are generally from the positive aspect. For example, a parents or relatives who love a son or child enough to develop a emotional bond with them would be able to keep have that bond tie them to that person as they pass on from the physical world. Love is a powerful thing, even in the afterlife.

Regardless of what the person believes in, or how strong their emotional attachments are to a particular event, person, or even object, they can all come down to an assortment of chemical reactions that go on inside of our body. It is about as possible as any other theory out there that those energies can be transferred into another state of being. Maybe it is true, and maybe it is not, but those are my thoughts on the matter.

Profile of a Sociopath

Glibness/Superficial Charm
Language can be used without effort by them to confuse and convince their audience. Captivating storytellers that exude self-confidence, they can spin a web that intrigues others. Since they are persuasive, they have the capacity to destroy their critics verbally or emotionally.

Manipulative and Cunning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right." Craves adulation and attendance. Must be the center of attention with their own fantasies as the "spokesman for God," "enlightened," "leader of humankind," etc. Creates an us-versus-them mentality

Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion, it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love
While they talk about "God's love" they are unable to give or receive it. Since they do not believe in the genuineness of their followers' love, they are very harsh in testing it from their devotees and expect them to feel guilt for their failings. Expects unconditional surrender.

Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge, yet testing the beliefs of their followers with bizarre rules, punishments and behaviors. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them. Their skills are used to exploit, abuse and exert power. Since the follower cannot believe their leader would callously hurt them, they rationalize the behavior as necessary for their (or the group's) own "good" and deny the abuse. When devotees become aware of the exploitation it feels like a "spiritual rape" to them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others. The followers only see them as near perfect.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blame their followers or others outside their group. Blame reinforces passivity and obedience and produces guilt, shame, terror and conformity in the followers.

Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Totalitarian leaders frequently practice promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts. This is usually kept hidden from all but the inner circle. Stringent sexual control of their followers, such as forced breakups and divorces, removal of children from parents, rules for dating, etc.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future. Many groups claim as their goal world-domination or other utopian promises. Great contrast between the leader's opulent lifestyle and the followers' impoverishment. Support by gifts and donations from the followers who are pressured to give through fear and guilt. Highly sensitive to their own pain and health.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image and that of the group as needed to avoid prosecution and to increase income and to recruit a range of members. Is able to adapt or relocate as needed to preserve the group. Can resurface later with a new name, a new front group and a new twist on the scam

This Is For All The Bitches, Hos And Tricks

...I wouldn't talk to any of you, if I didn't have a dick (Tucker Max)


The first time that I came across the writings of Tucker Max was approximately 5 years ago when I was sent the link to his website, www.tuckermax.com, and began reading his stories. The more I read the more I came enchanted. He is a self proclaimed asshole who only thinks of himself and his only personal gratification and yet I could not get enough of the stories he posted online. I read through as quickly as I possibly could and I honestly wished I could be more like him. Granted back then I was a socially stunted loser that did not have much of a life, so it was not hard to imagine that grasping onto his exploits and aspiring towards them were not all that implausible.

At that point in time he had been working on his first book entitled "I Hope The Serve Beer In Hell" which later came out a month or so after I was introduced to his site, even later for it to come out in Canada. I never did get around to purchasing the book back then and I eventually lost interest in the site completely. Somehow I managed to create a bit of a life for myself, quite the miracle actually. This past week however, I was in Chapters and decided to buy a copy of his first book and began reading all the stories that are in it (not all are posted on his website). The stories range from him insulting all sorts of different types of people, mocking them until the point that therapy may never be able to repair the damage inflicted, and hooking up with girls in all sorts of different situations that sometimes end up in some disgusting scene.

Obviously this is the sort of thing that caught quickly especially within the teen or college community, not any different than that of the "Jackass" movies. Guys all over the country wanted to be like him, and tons of girls wanted to be used by him. If you are into low humor all of the stories are hilarious, but what I find is the funniest is that despite all of his debauchery there is a hidden moral behind it all. Tucker is a guy who just is who he is without caring about the consequences of his actions and that is something everybody should take from, even those that are prey to a person like him.

We are dominated by societal and media based forces that tell as that we should conform to certain standards to fit in and act a specific manner. That we should just play our part in life that is least likely to cause disruption to the social norms. So many people are worried about how others perceive them that they cannot just be who they really are, when they should stop caring about what everybody else thinks of them. I will admit that I have had my own Tucker Max moments, few people know of those stories, ultimately though what I take away from his stories is that you should just stop caring about how others perceive you and be who you truly are and do what you want in life. It is as simple as that.


Side note: For any of those interested, he does have a second book out entitled "Assholes Finish First"

Tomorrow, And Tomorrow, And Tomorrow

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day (William Shakespeare)


It has been almost a month since my last post and I figured it was time that I should stop putting off writing something.

Unfortunately for the past while my insomnia has been increasingly getting worse and worse and on the scale of enjoyability it rates quite low.

Like always, my time has been mostly spent in my room huddled in front of my monitors though even that did not go smoothly this past month. For some unforeseen reasons my computer decided to, well to put it bluntly, fuck up. I was not pleased at this discovery. Luckily enough I was sufficiently able to back up everything that I wanted to keep before I had to format my hard drive and reinstall windows. My rating for this is low to moderate.

A notable highlight of the month was the date that I went on a date with a very lovely woman. It was very enjoyable with the highest rating, obviously.

Another noteworthy event has been "The Walking Dead" on AMC, as well as the graphic novel series that the show is being adapted from. A couple weeks before hearing about the show I had purchased the first volume in the hard cover series and was impressed with what I read. So upon hearing about the show and having it finally clue in that it was based off the graphic novel that I had bought I could not wait to check out the show. The show does not follow the story to the letter from the books but it does definitely keep the feel which I think is more important. I have since bought the second volume in the series and look forward to the others as well as more shows from the series. The enjoyment rating for this is at a mid-high level.


This brief catalog of events has been brought to in part by me.

The Past Is Strapped To Our Backs

We do not have to see it; we can always feel it. (Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960)


For a few months now I have been in a place in my life where I stopped looking back in my life, stopped trying to figure out where my life had gone wrong to lead me to what I had become. Then one day all that just vanished. I cannot possibly describe what happened in my head but for the first time in my life I started feeling like I was moving forward instead of just in circles. Needless to say it was quite the turning point in my life.

Last night though, I came into a situation where I was going to have to face a very emotional time in my life where I honestly was not sure if I wanted to go through with it or not. I met up with my ex-girlfriend. So what? No big deal right? Well lets put it into perspective a bit. After twenty years of living she was the first person who I actually allowed myself to get emotionally attached to, and I am not even attached to my family in anyway so that is a big deal. At least for me it is. She was my first girlfriend, and my first true love. It was as though we were one to the depths of who we were. Life, however; decided to take us on down different paths. For the longest time I held a lot of grievances towards her because I was at the lowest point in my life when I really needed somebody and she was not there. I realize that due to circumstances that we were in that it was completely understandable but whenever the topic of how I was came up it just seemed to just be dismissed for what was going on in her life. I felt betrayed.

So when that magical day came where everything I was holding onto from the past just disappeared, the grudge that I was holding against her disappeared too. I know that a lot of what I held onto is probably still inside me somewhere, just buried deeper so that I do not have to deal with it, but when the opportunity to meet up with her again after several years I was afraid. I did not want to have to deal with any or all of the past emotions that I have had for her, whether it was good or bad, again. I did end up taking the chance and not letting that opportunity pass me by, she was a big part of me or rather still is a big part of who I have become. Confronting the past is not always as a terrible idea. Thankfully no latent emotions welled up inside and I was able to catch up with a very good friend, who once again life is taking another part of the world.

Weeraba.

I Find It So Easy To Get Distracted

I try not to do more than one thing at any one time. (Elliot Gould)


I really do not like when I am trying so valiantly to work on something but can only keep my focus on it for only a few moments at a time. What is it with my mind to get some easily distracted and side-tracked that I cannot get what I want done without some sort of urgent pressure to force me to stick with it? It is not because I am bored with it, or that I find it uninteresting in any way I just cannot seem to concentrate. Something else will come into my mind and unless I deal with that thought to some sense of resolvent. For instance, the creation of this post is due to the fact that while I was trying to prep for my midterm that I have on Friday, the thought that I would be more comfortable reviewing my textbook and making notes while laying in bed. Though for that I would need better lighting. Then I came up with the idea of moving my desk lamp over to the stand beside my bed, which would then cause me to have to move my fan so that I could plug in the light. Forcing me to have to find a new place for my to plug my fan in which would mean I would have to move it somewhere else and I do not want to do that. The only other option I have available to me is to find an extension cord so that I can keep it where it is and have it plugged into a different outlet. Doing all that would cause me to waste time from my work just so I could be more comfortable and chances are cause me to fall asleep more quickly then if I were to stay at my desk.

Instead of all that, I decided to write this blog post distracting myself from the distraction that originally distracted me from my work.

I Don't Want Chippendales!

I want strippers! Full on, full frontal, male strippers. Preferably at a place that serves bottomless margaritas. (Julie Cooper-Nichol, The O.C.)


Please disregard any and all of the grammatical and spelling errors in the following MSN conversation as I was currently in the middle of class while it had occurred and therefore a tad bit distracted.

18/10/2010

6:24:31 PM Not Me

>>baggage is on soon

6:25:09 PM Me

>>are you excited for it?

6:25:25 PM Not Me

>>very

6:25:25 PM Not Me

>>then at 730

6:25:38 PM Not Me

>>occupation double!

6:27:36 PM Me

>>occupation double?

6:28:03 PM Not Me

>>yeah

6:28:05 PM Not Me

>>its a french tv show i watch

6:28:19 PM Not Me

>>its a reality show

6:28:19 PM Not Me

>>one of my strippers is on it

6:28:39 PM Me

>>you have strippers?

6:29:31 PM Not Me

>>from my thesis

6:30:04 PM Me

>>I don't know what your thesis was about

6:30:35 PM Not Me

>>male strippers

6:30:55 PM Not Me

>>i never told you about my master's thesis?

6:30:55 PM Not Me

>>did i not talk to you for those 2 years?

6:31:45 PM Me

>>if you did it probably only consisted of questioning me about when I was going to come visit you.

6:31:57 PM Not Me

>>oh

6:32:07 PM Not Me

>>well

6:32:07 PM Not Me

>>i wrote my thesis on male strippers

6:32:26 PM Not Me

>>30 hours of observing male strippers, and 8 interviews with male strippers

6:32:55 PM Not Me

>>it involved a lot of penis

6:33:25 PM Me

>>and what was your thesis statement?

6:34:43 PM Not Me

>>my thesis was exploratory in nature...

6:35:16 PM Me

>>ok

6:35:36 PM Not Me

>>that means i didn't have a thesis statement

6:35:52 PM Me

>>I got that

6:36:08 PM Not Me

>>This study is an exploratory research guided by three very broad and open questions: 1. What are the labour processes and practices including interaction) in a heterosexual male erotic dance establishment? 2. How do workers experience, negotiate and manage the work, work site and identity? 3. How is gender implicated in the aforementioned processes and practices?

6:36:52 PM Not Me

>>This memoir uses two theories that have their genesis in symbolic interactionism; ‘doing gender’ and ‘hegemonic masculinity’ in order to explore gender roles and intimate behaviour in a heterosexual male erotic dance establishment in Eastern Canada. Using participant observation and semi-structured interviews with eight male erotic dancers I explore the labour process, construction of intimacy

6:37:12 PM Not Me

>>and the way dancers ‘do’ gender within the establishment in addition to examining the dancers’ experience with stigmatization.

6:37:12 PM Not Me

>>there

6:37:12 PM Not Me

>>thats from my abstract

6:37:22 PM Me

>>alright, cool

6:37:44 PM Not Me

>>meh

6:37:57 PM Not Me

>>i basically justified my funding money into going to pay for me and my friends to drink alcohol and pay men to take their clothes off for me

6:38:24 PM Me

>>nicely done

6:38:46 PM Not Me

>>it was good times

6:38:59 PM Not Me

>>anyways

6:39:01 PM Me

>>I'm sure it was

6:39:02 PM Not Me

>>one of the strippers is on a quebec reality show

6:39:07 PM Me

>>cool

6:39:17 PM Not Me

>>so i watch that

6:39:19 PM Me

>>did you hook up with any of them?

6:39:55 PM Not Me

>>i did no such thing

6:40:11 PM Not Me

>>that would have been a conflict of interest

6:40:35 PM Me

>>doesnt mean you had to cover your hook up in your thesis

6:40:47 PM Not Me

>>it still would have been a conflict of interest

6:41:13 PM Not Me

>>that'd be like if i hooked up with a criminal in our system

6:42:24 PM Me

>>haha so that doesn't mean you couldn't have done it

6:42:39 PM Not Me

>>yes it does

6:42:39 PM Not Me

>>it'd be a conflict of interest

6:44:08 PM Me

>>it might be a conflict of interest but for people who don't hold themselves morally accountable they could do such a thing regardless of whether there's a conflict or not

6:45:20 PM Not Me

>>it would have risked my thesis and consequently my degree and career

6:45:20 PM Not Me

>>not to mention my dignity

6:47:37 PM Me

>>if you got caught

6:47:37 PM Not Me

>>and my integrity as an academic/professional

6:48:23 PM Not Me

>>right but if i did things just because i didn't think i'd get caught then i would have killed you long ago

6:49:18 PM Me

>>well yes I realize that which would have been fine with me

6:49:41 PM Not Me

>>but then you'd be dead

6:50:42 PM Me

>>yes well if you don't remember I was quite emo at one point and death wouldn't have bothered me besides the fact that when you're dead you're dead and couldn't be bothered by it anyway

6:51:30 PM Not Me

>>well that depends on what happens after death

6:52:41 PM Me

>>yeah but there's no point in speculating what may or may not happen after a person dies because there's no way to be absolutely sure.

6:53:35 PM Not Me

>>right - and under that premise, you can't know that you wont be bothered by it when you're dead, because its just as possible that you can be

6:54:55 PM Me

>>Except considering the fact that I was hoping for death to come day after day while I was alive so having it come would have been what I wanted and if it is something that you want then why would it bother you after you get it?

6:56:46 PM Not Me

>>because if you don't know what death holds, then there's no way to know whether its something thats better or worse than what you were currently living...so its certainly feasible that you could find yourself in s situation that was worse than the one you were living thereby causing you to regret your decision/want for it

6:59:26 PM Me

>>there's no point in regretting something because it has already happened and therefore nothing you can do about it now, you just have to move farward regardless of the consequences of your previous actions

7:00:13 PM Me

>>*forward

7:02:34 PM Not Me

>>well then perhaps regret was the wrong word - you may not choose to regret it, but you will certainly be bothered by it

7:03:40 PM Not Me

>>if you're living constantly engulfed in flames, or being sodomized repeatedly by gigantic mules, you're certainly going to be bothered by death

7:06:12 PM Me

>>if I'm living in hell then technically I'm not dead I'm living in a new state of existance so I can't be bothered by death if I'm still alive in some sense

7:07:30 PM Not Me

>>yes you can, you're dead from life as we know it, whether or not you continue to exist in some alternate form of existence is inconsequential

7:10:58 PM Me

>>if I continue to exist in some alternate form then the current conception of death is wrong and therefore null.

7:12:37 PM Not Me

>>no its not, youre dead - you no longer exist in our world...whether or not my grandparents who have passed away are in heaven, or are reincarnated, or who know what else, doesnt negate the fact that they are dead in so far as they cease to exist in the world that they lived in in the capacity we once knew them in

7:17:19 PM Me

>>The definition of death is the end of life, not the end of existence in the world that they lived. To you they may be considered dead but that is all about perspective. If they are alive in some manner or another then to them or their spirits or whatever their new existence consists of then to themselves they are alive

7:21:28 PM Not Me

>>well, no, if you really want to get technical, death is defined as the cessation of the vital functions of the body, so whether or not a spirit continues to live is inconsequential....but death in the connotative sense, is the cessation of life as we know it

7:24:47 PM Me

>>Only because we don't know what happens after we physically die but once we physically die then the definition of death will change with our current state of being. If we are alive in some form then the individual will not see themselves as being dead but in an altered stated of existence

7:26:27 PM Not Me

>>but as you stated, its impossible for us to know

7:31:16 PM Me

>>exactly which makes everything we just said pointless to even mention. as far as we are concerned right now when we die we are dead there is no existence after and as far as that goes if you were to kill me I won't be bothered by it without going into any speculations about whether there is an afterlife or not.

7:31:54 PM Not Me

>>occupation double is on i can't argue anymore

7:33:00 PM Me

>>enjoy your show

7:49:45 PM Not Me

>>ahmagawd

7:49:45 PM Not Me

>>who are they gonna eliminate?!

7:52:02 PM Me

>>I do not know

7:55:30 PM Not Me

>>they cut kylia

7:59:34 PM Not Me

>>last night they cut alex

7:59:46 PM Not Me

>>so now its down to 4 guys and 6 girls

8:00:01 PM Not Me

>>i imagine theyre going to even out the numbers soon

8:00:13 PM Not Me

>>since its a couple who wins

Existence

I personally do not believe in religion, or in higher beings but I do believe that they exist and yes I do realize how contradictory that that sounds. Keep in mind that the following are my opinions and my beliefs and not meant as any sort of attack on those of you that do believe. So, if you want to comment on them by all means do so but please keep it respectful.

The reason why I do not believe in a higher being stems from the theory that "God" did not create man, but man created "God." This was brought about by looking at all the different beliefs of either a single higher being or multiple ones and coming to a conclusion that the main purpose for a higher being is to explain the unknown. If you look at all the different mythologies such as the Greek, Roman, Egyptian, Norse, Mayan, etc...there are many gods each having a different purpose to help explain the naturally occurring things in the world. Example, Zeus and his lightning bolts. Over time the human races' understanding of the world has grown and obviously the need for the multiple higher beings is gone. The biggest unknowns in the world how did we come to be and what happens when we die. Which is the fundamental basis behind the single higher being faiths. So humankind came up with these beings to give explanation for what all happens in life and in the world giving me the conclusion that "God" did not create man, but man created "God."

While I was thinking about this, the old question about if a tree falls in forest and no one is around does it make a sound came into my head. The answer to this question is no, scientifically speaking when the tree falls and hits the ground it does not create sound but sends waves or vibrations through the air, ground and any other medium. It is only converted into sound when these vibrations are picked up by our ears, turned into an electrical signal and then interpreted in our minds to what we know of as sound. Therefore, unless there is somebody around sound cannot exist. What this has to do with whether or not higher being exists is this...sound only exists because it is the creation of our minds, which is not unlike people's beliefs in a higher being. Higher beings were originally a creation of the mind to explain the unexplainable, and it is the fact that as long as there are people who believe in them they will exist, just like if there is somebody around to hear it sound exists. Just like if there is nobody around to hear the sound then it cannot exist and if nobody believed in a higher being they would not exist either.

Even though because of my beliefs tell me that they do not exist, I have to acknowledge the fact that they do exist because of all the people in the world who believe in them.

"Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing bad things, but for good people to do bad things, it takes religion."
(Steven Weinberg)

Challenge ACCEPTED!

(Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother)


So approximately twenty-four hours ago I had, oddly enough, a faithful reader make a suggestion of what I should do for my blog and well though great as that suggestion was I think I will expand it a little bit. I hope that is alright with you my only faithful reader.

So my day started off at about 9:00am in the morning when my alarm went off and I got up out of bed to go pee. It was a good pee. The first one in the morning is always very relieving. After which I decided to crawl back into bed since I am still having troubles falling asleep, not too long after I fell back asleep the doorbell rang. Of course I decided to ignore it because I wanted nothing to do with who was on the other. Last week the rental agency for the townhouse sent over some people to do a checkup on the furnace and they came to the conclusion that it needed to be replaced. Which who was on the other side of the door this morning. So my roommate took care of it and let them inside. Though, when I finally got my butt out of bed there was nobody here. Not my roommate, not my roommate's dog and not one of the people who were going to look at the furnace. I thought it was odd but alas I did not complain.

Anyway, I started to get ready for my class and I have to say I looked good before I left. Oh yes, I was a hottie today. I know you probably do not believe me but everybody has their good days and I had one today. I digress, on my way out the door I decided that I wanted to walk to the o-train station instead of take the bus. Yay for exercise! On my walk towards the station I started thinking about the time a few weeks ago when I saw a young woman walking their child who was attached with a leash. It was one of those leashes that attached around the torso and not the neck so it was not as cruel or comically amusing as it could have been. Sadly did not see that again today. Would have been awesome though. So as I continued my walk, nothing eventful happened at all. I listened to my iPod, passed some people on the sidewalk, almost get run over by a car, same ole, same ole. I get to the o-train station the train is there but pulls away before I actually got to it, I did not mind at all. I sat down on a bench and waited until the next train came. I got on it, sat down and took the wonderful six minute ride to the campus.

Campus, it is a wonderful place. Full of life and people, books and learning, and a couple of chicks walking up the stairs ahead of me talking about how they hoped if he was going to be able to pull out in time. Oh if only I could have heard more of that conversation, I bet it was absolutely delight...wait for it...ful! Delightful! Sorry, How I Met Your Mother is a great show. My class today was the dreaded algebra, but it is not so dreadful. My teacher is actually not bad, I mean for one you can actually understand what he is saying despite his accent. In all honesty though, I do not really pay attention to what he says. I copy down what he writes on the blackboard and when he breaks off writing to go over about what it is he writes about I play sudoku on my blackberry. On the genius difficulty. That is just how I role. Semi-colon end parenthesis.

Class was class, boring, dull and I kicked ass at sudoku like always. It was the only class I had today so after which I gathered my belongings and headed back to the o-train. Hoped on, and because it was that time of the day it was packed as usual during the rush hour. Quite comfortable when you're squished up against the side, luckily it is a very short ride so no harm done. After the train ride, I decided to walk home and on the way I stopped in at Walmart and picked up myself two big mac meals, super-sized of course. I am a fatty fatty two by four.

After getting home, I devoured my dinner while starting to watching old episodes of not How I Met Your Mother, because I am all caught up with those. I have switched from that to Two and a Half Men, which in my opinion is another good show. I have managed to get through all of season one of that show and am currently onto season two out of eight season. I have quite a ways to go, I am however, confident that I will be able to prevail in my quest to watch hours upon hours of the senseless comedy of Charlie Sheen.

And ladies and gentlemen that was my day today. Not glamorous, not exciting, and not worthy of writing a blog post about but it was done anyway. How does it feel to have wasted your time reading it? I am going to guess not too good, not too good at all.

All Television Is Educational Television.

The question is: what is it teaching? (Nicholas Johnson)


As of late I have been spending quite a bit of my time catching up on different television shows. Starting at the beginning of their creation until either their very last episode for the ones that have been canceled or up to the latest episode for the ones that are lucky enough to still be on the air. And as always, it has got me to thinking...


Television shows tend to have different themes for each episode while at the same time sticking towards the main goal of where the show is headed in its entirety. At the moment I have been catching up on two different shows: How I Met Your Mother and Ghost Hunters.

While watching Ghost Hunters it started me thinking about my views on what I believe happens when we died, which in turn got me to re-evaluate my thoughts and beliefs on religion. So, I started writing. I had full intention of making it a very lengthy post on here but it really did not seem that this blog would be fitting enough, which is when I came up with the idea that I should just create my own website. A place for me to share my philosophical views and in time hopefully a place where others would do the same. As for now, it is currently in the planning stages and in all honesty will probably never happen. That, however, brings me to my next point.

How I Met Your Mother is a fantastic show that for me tries to teach a person that no matter what situation you are in or what happens you should always strive for what you want most out of life. For a very long time I have always been thinking about a multitude of different things from religion, the after life, the universe, the unknown. I am nothing more than a modern day philosopher that seems out of place for that sort of thinking. I would have much rather been back in ancient Greece with the likes of Sophocles, Aristotle or Plato to name a few. At the same time with the technology that is present today and the possible reach it has to span out across the globe why not put it to use? Maybe I really should go ahead with that website and see where that road leads.

It's Not Wise

...to upset a Wookiee (Han Solo)


September 26, 2010.

1:24am Unknown number
>>Love you

1:28am Me
>>Do you?

1:29am Unknown number
>>Oh ya

1:30am Me
>>Are you sure you have the right number?

1:31am Unknown number
>>Loooool I know its u kmac

1:33am Me
>>Lol no it's really not.

1:34am Unknown number
>>Sure

1:35am Me
>>I just got this number two weeks ago.

1:37am Unknown number
>>Oh ya

1:37am Me
>>Yep

1:37am Unknown number
>>Nice

1:43am Me
>>Good luck with declaring your love to kmac though

1:44am Unknown number
>>Hot shit

1:48am Me
>>I'm sure kmac is

1:48am Unknown number
>>Fuck kmac eh what a prick

1:50am Me
>>Why do you say that?

1:51am Unknown number
>>Why not?

1:51am Me
>>Well I wouldn't know.

1:52am Unknown number
>>Oh ya?

1:52am Me
>>I don't know kmac so I can't make any assumptions.

1:54am Unknown number
>>that's fair man he's hairy.. Chewbacs shots

1:56am Me
>>C'mon now don't be hatin' on the wookiee

1:57am Unknown number
>>Hahah wookies for life

1:57am Me
>>Damn straight

I've Always Envied People Who Sleep Easily

Their brains must be cleaner, the floorboards of the skull well swept, all the little monsters closed up in a steamer trunk at the foot of the bed." (David Benioff - City of Thieves)


Oh my dearest, how I have not missed the endless nights kept awake by your very presence. Or how you torment me with the vivid array of thoughts and queries about anything and everything imaginable. The grip you have on me tightens with each visit you pay me, making me wish for a time when I was free from your hold. Free to rest and recover until our next encounter throws me back into the gauntlet. Why can I not just be rid of you? Will you ever just leave me to be in peace?

Ah, Summer, What Power You Have

...to make us suffer and like it. (Russel Baker)

Goodness gracious I am back once again.

My apologies for the two people that might actually read this for my impromptu hiatus the past few months. The last two-three months have been quite crazy and hectic. Here is the brief rundown of the events:

Quit my job.
Port Elgin.
Studied.
Multiple games of baseball.
Birthday.
Sauble Beach.
Ottawa.
Funeral.
Stag/Stag and Doe.
Injury.
More baseball.
Moved.
Back to school.

Now somehow I went from having like absolutely no social life to practically never being home apart from the time I was actually just studying. I wish I knew how it happened, and as much as I just like to stay in and do nothing I liked being out there and running around being among others a lot more. Who would have guessed that about the quiet guy who keeps to himself? This past weekend I felt completely lost. This is the first full weekend that I have spent here in Ottawa and from the very few people I know here none wanted to do anything and I was left here to my lonesome self.

*sigh*

I know, woe is me and all that...

I know there are other people out there with bigger problems and all that. This was not me complaining about not having anything to do, this is me explaining that after however many years of being a shut in recluse I am finally wanting more out of my life.

This little boy is finally growing up.

The Key To Change

...is to let go of fear. (Rosanne Cash)



Being surrounded by the depths of darkness
Sitting there searching for anything to hold onto
A light to guide you through the nothingness
Of living all alone in an empty void


Life is an interesting thing, or rather the events and how we perceive them are...
It is funny sometimes how things can be going along so smoothly, feel so great and then all of a sudden *BAM!* You hit a wall, stumble back and fall to the ground. Then after standing back up you realize the wall is gone but is then replaced with a giant chasm with no place to cross. That is what depression is like, or at least that is a simplistic way of putting it (at least for me).


Carrying the weight of your world on your shoulders
The pressure is mounting and you just can't hold on
Cracking underneath this mountain of boulders
Until you can't take it anymore and crumble to pieces


What do you do when there is nothing left of your world? People always say that you should talk about things but what I have come to realize is that, that is not a real solution. Sure it might be a temporary fix to help let it out; however, the relief does not last for too long. It will always come back and a lot of the time it comes back with a bigger bite then before. Then there is always the pharmaceutical intervention with drugs... I some how think though that we really do not need more chemicals being put in our body than what we are already.


Gathering your strength for one final fight
To get back up on your feet and stand on the ground
Giving it all you have, pushing with your all you might
And tossing off all the weight that was on your shoulders


I personally believe that the only way to finally get past it, is to deal with it yourself because unless you are willing to just let everything go to put it behind you than it will never go away. I know that just letting go is not an easy task. Somehow, I was able to do this though I really do not know how this change occurred. I do know though that it is very liberating. To face your fears and overcome them to change your whole perspective on life is just simply a remarkable thing.


With a sigh of relief the darkness begins to fade away
Bringing forth the light back into your world
Everything seems wonderful with this brand new day
And you start moving forward to continue on this journey of life

You Want Sympathy?

You'll find it between "shit" and "syphilis" in the dictionary. - from Lucky You (2007)

Before I get into today's post I would like to say that the quote above makes me chuckle. I have no idea if it is literally true or not but it really does not matter. I like it. I like you too because you are reading what I am writing and for that you get an A+ in my books. I do not actually have any books or even know who is actually reading this to give you said A+ but just imagine that I am. Thank you.


The past two weeks for me have been quite hectic. Between playing baseball and work I have not had much time to myself or to even unwind... and on Sunday I did. For all those who may stumble across this who are not from Canada, up here in The Great White North, the third weekend in May is a long weekend for us. Monday being declared a holiday and the day of Celebration for Queen Victoria's birthday. It is deemed to be the unofficial start to the summer. Most people use this weekend as a chance to go camping for the first time but a few years ago a buddy of mine decided he would rather start staying home this weekend and throw a party instead. Lets face it, this is Canada and even though it is the end of May we sometimes do end up getting snow and camping in that is never fun. Anyway, four years ago marked the start of a new tradition.

First Annual was born!! Four years, Fourth Annual kept things going strong. Sadly we did not get the turn out we did last year but the weather was incredibly nice the second half of the weekend so it is understandable. Nonetheless it was a great fun filled time.

For me Sunday started with me getting up and going into work for 7:30AM, not a great start to the day but who does not like money? I ended up working for about three hours and came home where I proceeded to have a shower. Feel free to picture me wet and naked. I will give you a moment to gain your composure.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
So after my shower I decided to head up to the store to get myself some beer for the party since I did not have much left here. So I walked up there only to find out that the store didn't open for anther half an hour, just my luck of course. I decided to just keep walking and take the long way home and when I got back just started playing around on my computer for awhile. About an hour later my stomach was growling something fierce. It was angry at me for not giving it some food. Before I could feed it though I had to head back up to the store to go grab some beer, which I ended up buying some Bud Light Lime (mmm so tasty). A few minutes later I was back home and I started to prepare myself a nice pre-drinking meal. Pasta. If I am going to be drinking a lot I always fill my belly full of pasta. It stays heavy in my stomach soaking up the alcohol so I can drink more! I am a loser like that but whatever I do not care. It helps make sure I do not puke too so I keep it up. While I was cooking that though I kept thinking about what I could take to the barbeque I was not coming up with any ideas at all. Usually what I end up always having to take are deviled eggs but I did not think I had enough eggs until I found a whole carton at the back of the fridge so for the next couple hours I slaved away boiling all the eggs we had in the house.

Point of interest, my deviled eggs are the most delicious ones you will ever taste.

It was about 3:30PM when I got all the eggs so I put them into some containers and headed over to Chad's house where the festivities would be going down. It also just happens to be right around my house. I love small towns. I get there and took the eggs in the house to put in his fridge, I did not see him in there so I checked out back and saw him up at house behind his helping building a deck. So I grabbed a beer and headed on up. Mostly just watched them work on the deck since at the moment there was not really anything I could do to help. It was about half an hour later when other people started showing up at Chad's house so I pitched a hand to help them finish the floor joists and get it all ready for the floor boards tomorrow. We got that down in no time and headed down to Chad's and joined everybody down there. A few of course started up a game of testicle toss. Testicle toss by the way is a game where you have two racks set apart from each other in the ground with three bars on each one. You have two teams that try to throw these ropes that have a golf ball fastened on each end on to one of the bars on the rack. Bottom bar is worth one, middle two, and the top is worth three points. First team to get to twenty-one wins.

We finished that game up right when more people started to show up. We started berbequing some burgers and hot dogs, got the salads out that other people brought, my eggs of course and enjoyed some goodness in food form. Then after all that good stuff there was cake to be had! Sweet delicious cake, four different kinds. So good. After dinner more testicle toss and the lighting of the fire that nearly burned the fur off of the neighbour's dog that came over. Do not worry though no animals were harmed during the night. At this point in the night was when things started to pick up. There were a couple games of beer pong but mostly throughout the night we had continuous rounds of flip cup. Six on six and everybody got involved at some point at least a few times during the night. It was a great time.

Lets take a brief moment to talk about the fire. This fire was intense, especially for just a backyard behind a house in a small town. The old tire rim used for the fire pit was completely surrounded by wood, coals and flames that you could not even pick it out. The fire probably grew to be about five and a half feet by five and a half feet and at one point during the night the flames reached up about twelve feet up into the air. And it was incredibly hot, you had to sit back at least ten to fifteen feet from the fire and even then at times when more wood, or part of a couch, or a chair, or whatever else we had got thrown on. Needless to say it was a good fire.

Back to the ensuing events and where things really took a turn for the worse? For the better? I am not sure which one but it was funny as can be at the time. Now one of the guys there was Johnny, who normally ends up falling asleep when he is sitting at a fire, and he made a comment about this because when he falls asleep Elton runs over and tackles him in his chair. Always funny. And no sooner than when Johnny was finished saying this he was taken out by somebody. It was either Elton or Spencer, Spencer being the instigator of most of what happens at this point in the night. So Johnny was on his back, the chair he was in broke and everybody else was just laughing their butts off. After that it was just a free-for-all. Spencer started picking on Kirk and then Elton got in on that. Kirk got the most of it throughout the night mostly because he kept chirping and chirping making fun of people. And then he starts on me and I am sitting right next to him. He is giving me a hard time because I am drinking Bud Light Lime and saying how it was so last year and blah blah blah. Now normally I am the good, quiet person that does not really say much or contribute to what is going on but on this night much to the surprise of EVERYBODY I plowed right through Kirk and then walked to get myself another Bud Light Lime. It was all fun and nobody took any of it seriously and almost everybody got in on it. I got tackled once by Chad and then a couple times by Spencer. I got Spencer back a few times and scrapped with him a bit. By the end of the night there were beer cans all over from people losing them from being tackled, people covered in beer and there were at least half a dozen chairs broken.

Things started to calm down after a few hours of that and by about 2-3AM people started to call it a night and either stumbled home or stumbled into Chad's house to find a spot to sleep. I can say though that I was the first one there and I was the last one to leave. I take pride in that. Outlasting everybody else. Ok well not entirely everybody else, at the end it was Missy and I sitting around the dying fire until it started to get a little too chilly to sit outside anymore and we called it a night after that.

The Annual is easily hands down one of the highlights of the year and I can't wait until the Fifth Annual rolls around next year.