The Past Is Strapped To Our Backs

We do not have to see it; we can always feel it. (Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960)


For a few months now I have been in a place in my life where I stopped looking back in my life, stopped trying to figure out where my life had gone wrong to lead me to what I had become. Then one day all that just vanished. I cannot possibly describe what happened in my head but for the first time in my life I started feeling like I was moving forward instead of just in circles. Needless to say it was quite the turning point in my life.

Last night though, I came into a situation where I was going to have to face a very emotional time in my life where I honestly was not sure if I wanted to go through with it or not. I met up with my ex-girlfriend. So what? No big deal right? Well lets put it into perspective a bit. After twenty years of living she was the first person who I actually allowed myself to get emotionally attached to, and I am not even attached to my family in anyway so that is a big deal. At least for me it is. She was my first girlfriend, and my first true love. It was as though we were one to the depths of who we were. Life, however; decided to take us on down different paths. For the longest time I held a lot of grievances towards her because I was at the lowest point in my life when I really needed somebody and she was not there. I realize that due to circumstances that we were in that it was completely understandable but whenever the topic of how I was came up it just seemed to just be dismissed for what was going on in her life. I felt betrayed.

So when that magical day came where everything I was holding onto from the past just disappeared, the grudge that I was holding against her disappeared too. I know that a lot of what I held onto is probably still inside me somewhere, just buried deeper so that I do not have to deal with it, but when the opportunity to meet up with her again after several years I was afraid. I did not want to have to deal with any or all of the past emotions that I have had for her, whether it was good or bad, again. I did end up taking the chance and not letting that opportunity pass me by, she was a big part of me or rather still is a big part of who I have become. Confronting the past is not always as a terrible idea. Thankfully no latent emotions welled up inside and I was able to catch up with a very good friend, who once again life is taking another part of the world.

Weeraba.