Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur.
The heart was open
The heart was full
You came along
You gave a mighty pull
Tore it from my chest
And let it fall
You walked away slowly
Leaving me with nothing at all
I pick up what's left
And as time passes by
I pretend to care
And live a lie
The heart is empty
The heart is closed
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Where's The Beef?
Drama, drama, drama, drama, drama
The world is so full of drama, you would think of a few thousand years of civilization that we humans would be able to overcome all of it... sadly though, we are not able to. It would also appear that we will never shake the ever so frustrating dramatic woe that carries on day after day.
The world is so full of drama, you would think of a few thousand years of civilization that we humans would be able to overcome all of it... sadly though, we are not able to. It would also appear that we will never shake the ever so frustrating dramatic woe that carries on day after day.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Conjunction Junction
What's your function?
I want pie...
I am actually hesitant to write what I'm about to write; however, I feel that it is for the best.
The reason why I am hesitant to write this is because it has to deal with some not so pleasant things I have learned about my new girlfriend. Even though I have been honest with her and that I do not see her any differently than I have before, I am still feeling down about everything. Which has got me thinking. My conscious and sub-conscious minds are against each other. I think that is why I am still down and not feeling bad. Consciously I can accept that everything about her past is in the past, and that everything that has happened in her past has shaped her into the person that she currently is today. Unfortunately, my sub-conscious is completely out of my control. So sub-consciously I believe, since I cannot know with any amount of certainty, I might in fact be troubled by the things that I have learned. I do not want to just come right out and worry my girlfriend about this because I am hoping that by getting it off my chest on here it will help clear my sub-conscious of any negative thoughts pertaining to her. Though she does know about this blog of mine and if she does end up reading this I am sure you'll ask me about it. I just hope that she will see that I am not unwilling to let her know about this and that I am just trying to get this out of my system in my own way.
Further more, when she does read this...I want you to know that I do actually want to know everything about you and your past so that I am able to have the deep understanding of who you are and feel that closeness a person gets when there are no secrets, no walls, no nothing between two people. I will though never ask you about any of it because I do respect your privacy, I just hope that in time you'll see that no matter what I learn I will not be scared away.
Mmm peach pie.
On a related side note, I now believe that my over-active mind stems from my sub-conscious mind. I can feel my mind racing over all sorts of information and details but when I try to see what is going on, I can only pick out fragmented details. If that were my conscious mind then I would not have any problems with seeing what is going on in my head, but seeing as I cannot I now think that my sub-conscious mind is just as active while I am awake as much as it is while I am sleeping.
I want pie...
I am actually hesitant to write what I'm about to write; however, I feel that it is for the best.
The reason why I am hesitant to write this is because it has to deal with some not so pleasant things I have learned about my new girlfriend. Even though I have been honest with her and that I do not see her any differently than I have before, I am still feeling down about everything. Which has got me thinking. My conscious and sub-conscious minds are against each other. I think that is why I am still down and not feeling bad. Consciously I can accept that everything about her past is in the past, and that everything that has happened in her past has shaped her into the person that she currently is today. Unfortunately, my sub-conscious is completely out of my control. So sub-consciously I believe, since I cannot know with any amount of certainty, I might in fact be troubled by the things that I have learned. I do not want to just come right out and worry my girlfriend about this because I am hoping that by getting it off my chest on here it will help clear my sub-conscious of any negative thoughts pertaining to her. Though she does know about this blog of mine and if she does end up reading this I am sure you'll ask me about it. I just hope that she will see that I am not unwilling to let her know about this and that I am just trying to get this out of my system in my own way.
Further more, when she does read this...I want you to know that I do actually want to know everything about you and your past so that I am able to have the deep understanding of who you are and feel that closeness a person gets when there are no secrets, no walls, no nothing between two people. I will though never ask you about any of it because I do respect your privacy, I just hope that in time you'll see that no matter what I learn I will not be scared away.
Mmm peach pie.
On a related side note, I now believe that my over-active mind stems from my sub-conscious mind. I can feel my mind racing over all sorts of information and details but when I try to see what is going on, I can only pick out fragmented details. If that were my conscious mind then I would not have any problems with seeing what is going on in my head, but seeing as I cannot I now think that my sub-conscious mind is just as active while I am awake as much as it is while I am sleeping.
Go, Go, Gadget
...Copter!!
I want to fly.
High in the sky.
Leave this place.
And put on a new face.
High in the sky.
I want to fly.
I want to fly.
High in the sky.
Leave this place.
And put on a new face.
High in the sky.
I want to fly.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Pop, Pop, Fizz Fizz
Oh what a relief it is.
I personally like to know as much as possible about the unknown. That way if on the off chance something were to happen the blame would all be on me because I made the conscious decision to go after something knowing full well what the consequences might be. If life is a dark tunnel, give me a flashlight so I can meet the dangers head on.
I personally like to know as much as possible about the unknown. That way if on the off chance something were to happen the blame would all be on me because I made the conscious decision to go after something knowing full well what the consequences might be. If life is a dark tunnel, give me a flashlight so I can meet the dangers head on.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Take Me Out To The Ball Game
Take me out to the crowd.
Buy me some peanuts and some Cracker Jacks.
I don't care if I ever come back.
For it's root, root, root for the home team.
If they don't win it's a shame.
For it's one, two, three strikes you're out.
At the ole ball game.
So it is that oh so magical time of the year that celebrates my forth coming unto this world.
The day that will now forever be a reflection back upon myself and my life, making me feel such emptiness at how people don't take notice of me. The loneliness of not having anybody around that cares. The sadness of feeling so alone. The depression that sets in from being so sad.
To mark this annual tradition, this year I get to go out and coach some baseball. No drunkenness at a bar or party, no sexual contact with anybody, just hopefully leading my team to a victory and then coming home like a pathetic person to wallow in my own self pity.
Happy Birthday to me.
Buy me some peanuts and some Cracker Jacks.
I don't care if I ever come back.
For it's root, root, root for the home team.
If they don't win it's a shame.
For it's one, two, three strikes you're out.
At the ole ball game.
So it is that oh so magical time of the year that celebrates my forth coming unto this world.
The day that will now forever be a reflection back upon myself and my life, making me feel such emptiness at how people don't take notice of me. The loneliness of not having anybody around that cares. The sadness of feeling so alone. The depression that sets in from being so sad.
To mark this annual tradition, this year I get to go out and coach some baseball. No drunkenness at a bar or party, no sexual contact with anybody, just hopefully leading my team to a victory and then coming home like a pathetic person to wallow in my own self pity.
Happy Birthday to me.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Snap, Crackle, and Pop.
Whoa! Making a post two days in a row, go me!!
Though, I really have nothing to say. No interesting stories, no random or exciting event to go on about. I guess, that's not really any different from any other time. So here it is right now, as it stands...my life.
A two years ago my life started to crumble. A year and a half ago it came completely crashing down, for added effect think of me being a glass and the things that consisted of my life as water inside the glass. Now picture the glass falling, shattering on the ground and pieces of me, as well as, my life spilling out all over the place. There was nothing left of me, no will to live, no energy to do anything. Just a useless lump of a human being. I had nobody to turn to for help, only person I could rely on was myself and even then I had failed myself hugely when a certain thing happened. I am not going to go into any details because that will just take too long but hopefully you can get the picture.
I really do not know how I made it through that. I have battled depression since I was eleven years old but that was by far worse than anything I have ever gone through, there was no hope left inside of me. I am here though, still trying to get myself back up, not fully pieced back together but continuing on none the less.
As I look out into the world though, there is no hope for me. I have no desire, no passion for anything. I cannot go on living in a world where everybody must conform to fill some sort of hole in the fabric of society just so I can have the privilege of having a mediocre existence. The way the world works now, the way society is, both make me sick to my stomach. We should not be working just to scrape enough money together to be able to live, we should work for the betterment of humankind. To ensure the survival of our species we should be coming together instead of the constant warfare and discrimination. We will be the death of ourselves and I do not want anything apart of this world if it continues down this path.
Though, I really have nothing to say. No interesting stories, no random or exciting event to go on about. I guess, that's not really any different from any other time. So here it is right now, as it stands...my life.
A two years ago my life started to crumble. A year and a half ago it came completely crashing down, for added effect think of me being a glass and the things that consisted of my life as water inside the glass. Now picture the glass falling, shattering on the ground and pieces of me, as well as, my life spilling out all over the place. There was nothing left of me, no will to live, no energy to do anything. Just a useless lump of a human being. I had nobody to turn to for help, only person I could rely on was myself and even then I had failed myself hugely when a certain thing happened. I am not going to go into any details because that will just take too long but hopefully you can get the picture.
I really do not know how I made it through that. I have battled depression since I was eleven years old but that was by far worse than anything I have ever gone through, there was no hope left inside of me. I am here though, still trying to get myself back up, not fully pieced back together but continuing on none the less.
As I look out into the world though, there is no hope for me. I have no desire, no passion for anything. I cannot go on living in a world where everybody must conform to fill some sort of hole in the fabric of society just so I can have the privilege of having a mediocre existence. The way the world works now, the way society is, both make me sick to my stomach. We should not be working just to scrape enough money together to be able to live, we should work for the betterment of humankind. To ensure the survival of our species we should be coming together instead of the constant warfare and discrimination. We will be the death of ourselves and I do not want anything apart of this world if it continues down this path.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
The Taste You Can See!
Alright so instead of forgetting all about this blog I figured I better give this a new post.
So this is a little belated but it'd be about two weeks ago my parents were down at a friends house having a few drinks and helping him out with some yard work and then my Dad decided to invite him back to dinner for some liver and onions. That's not really important though. My dad came home and started with supper and when it was just about ready he sent me to go get his friend. While I was there he then decided to give me a lecture about how I should do shit with my life and get motivated and the whole time I was just thinking at how ridiculous it is that my parents will not say anything to me about it; however, they pawn it off on a family friend.
How messed up is that? If they do not have the balls to say it to me, why should I care or listen to somebody who does not even know me half as much as my parents do. Which by the way on the scale of 1 to a 100 they rate at a 7.
On a much lighter note, I am now coaching a 13-14 year old boys baseball. So far we have 1 win and 1 loss. It's a good bunch of kids and I have high hopes for them to do well.
So this is a little belated but it'd be about two weeks ago my parents were down at a friends house having a few drinks and helping him out with some yard work and then my Dad decided to invite him back to dinner for some liver and onions. That's not really important though. My dad came home and started with supper and when it was just about ready he sent me to go get his friend. While I was there he then decided to give me a lecture about how I should do shit with my life and get motivated and the whole time I was just thinking at how ridiculous it is that my parents will not say anything to me about it; however, they pawn it off on a family friend.
How messed up is that? If they do not have the balls to say it to me, why should I care or listen to somebody who does not even know me half as much as my parents do. Which by the way on the scale of 1 to a 100 they rate at a 7.
On a much lighter note, I am now coaching a 13-14 year old boys baseball. So far we have 1 win and 1 loss. It's a good bunch of kids and I have high hopes for them to do well.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Hmm...
It would seem that way back in November of 2006 I signed up for blogger.com and created an account so that I may share my crazy insights into the world and my life for the anonymous web surfers who might stumble their way upon it. Unfortunately though, it would see as I completely forgot about this blog and left it high and dry for roughly a year and a half.
There has been quite a bit go on with me since I first originally made this, most of it dealing with the state I was in compared to the state I am in now. For now though I think I shall pass on getting into any of the details and leave you all with a note I posted on facebook dated Saturday May 3, 2008; 5:07 am.
There has been quite a bit go on with me since I first originally made this, most of it dealing with the state I was in compared to the state I am in now. For now though I think I shall pass on getting into any of the details and leave you all with a note I posted on facebook dated Saturday May 3, 2008; 5:07 am.
La...la...la
Sitting here at four o'clock in the morning is always such a fun occasion. I am riddled with the angst of sleep yet completely unable to quiet the thoughts in my head so that I may shut them out enough to be able to drift off into the land of slumber. In most cases my mind is racing over something specific to make the process of actually getting some sleep easier. Not this time though. This time it would seem as though my mind is just sifting through a vast chasm of emptiness. No real thoughts enter my mind and yet it seems as though it is looking for something to focus on; however, nothing catching its focus for long enough.
What can you do when nothing is there? Nothing seems real?
Not really anything that can be done, at least not for me. Doomed to live a life where my mind controls everything that I do and when I do them. I lay awake constantly when I should be sleeping because my mind will not take a break for me to get some rest. I eat and eat when I am not even hungry. I just get the insatiable desire to eat, and fill my stomach to keep it as full as possible. And then there is how in my mind myself, my life is so worthless and meaningless that I just honestly do not care about what happens to me. Anybody else in the world I could genuinely care about and would do whatever I could to help them. Even so far to go as, if it were possible of course, to take all the pain and suffering in the world and put it all on myself so that everybody else would never have to deal with it ever again.
Everybody consists of different qualities that essentially build the foundation of who they are, when I look inside to see what mine are it seems like every one of them contradicts another one. I am cocky and conceited, yet humble and modest. I am an extremely hard worker, yet unmotivated to do any work. I procrastinate no matter what it is that I should be doing, yet I am a perfectionist. I am never happy unless something is done just right. I am a quiet person by nature but very opinionated. I am an asshole and a sweetheart. I am sure that you can get the idea without me going on even further.
Maybe that is why I can never get any sleep. I am in a constant battle where the two sides of me are fighting for dominance over me. Scary thought to be either the sinner or the saint, but hopefully it will never come to that and I will eventually find some peace within myself.
One hour later, still not anymore tired than I already was...the joys of insomnia.
What can you do when nothing is there? Nothing seems real?
Not really anything that can be done, at least not for me. Doomed to live a life where my mind controls everything that I do and when I do them. I lay awake constantly when I should be sleeping because my mind will not take a break for me to get some rest. I eat and eat when I am not even hungry. I just get the insatiable desire to eat, and fill my stomach to keep it as full as possible. And then there is how in my mind myself, my life is so worthless and meaningless that I just honestly do not care about what happens to me. Anybody else in the world I could genuinely care about and would do whatever I could to help them. Even so far to go as, if it were possible of course, to take all the pain and suffering in the world and put it all on myself so that everybody else would never have to deal with it ever again.
Everybody consists of different qualities that essentially build the foundation of who they are, when I look inside to see what mine are it seems like every one of them contradicts another one. I am cocky and conceited, yet humble and modest. I am an extremely hard worker, yet unmotivated to do any work. I procrastinate no matter what it is that I should be doing, yet I am a perfectionist. I am never happy unless something is done just right. I am a quiet person by nature but very opinionated. I am an asshole and a sweetheart. I am sure that you can get the idea without me going on even further.
Maybe that is why I can never get any sleep. I am in a constant battle where the two sides of me are fighting for dominance over me. Scary thought to be either the sinner or the saint, but hopefully it will never come to that and I will eventually find some peace within myself.
One hour later, still not anymore tired than I already was...the joys of insomnia.
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