There has been quite a bit go on with me since I first originally made this, most of it dealing with the state I was in compared to the state I am in now. For now though I think I shall pass on getting into any of the details and leave you all with a note I posted on facebook dated Saturday May 3, 2008; 5:07 am.
La...la...la
Sitting here at four o'clock in the morning is always such a fun occasion. I am riddled with the angst of sleep yet completely unable to quiet the thoughts in my head so that I may shut them out enough to be able to drift off into the land of slumber. In most cases my mind is racing over something specific to make the process of actually getting some sleep easier. Not this time though. This time it would seem as though my mind is just sifting through a vast chasm of emptiness. No real thoughts enter my mind and yet it seems as though it is looking for something to focus on; however, nothing catching its focus for long enough.
What can you do when nothing is there? Nothing seems real?
Not really anything that can be done, at least not for me. Doomed to live a life where my mind controls everything that I do and when I do them. I lay awake constantly when I should be sleeping because my mind will not take a break for me to get some rest. I eat and eat when I am not even hungry. I just get the insatiable desire to eat, and fill my stomach to keep it as full as possible. And then there is how in my mind myself, my life is so worthless and meaningless that I just honestly do not care about what happens to me. Anybody else in the world I could genuinely care about and would do whatever I could to help them. Even so far to go as, if it were possible of course, to take all the pain and suffering in the world and put it all on myself so that everybody else would never have to deal with it ever again.
Everybody consists of different qualities that essentially build the foundation of who they are, when I look inside to see what mine are it seems like every one of them contradicts another one. I am cocky and conceited, yet humble and modest. I am an extremely hard worker, yet unmotivated to do any work. I procrastinate no matter what it is that I should be doing, yet I am a perfectionist. I am never happy unless something is done just right. I am a quiet person by nature but very opinionated. I am an asshole and a sweetheart. I am sure that you can get the idea without me going on even further.
Maybe that is why I can never get any sleep. I am in a constant battle where the two sides of me are fighting for dominance over me. Scary thought to be either the sinner or the saint, but hopefully it will never come to that and I will eventually find some peace within myself.
One hour later, still not anymore tired than I already was...the joys of insomnia.
What can you do when nothing is there? Nothing seems real?
Not really anything that can be done, at least not for me. Doomed to live a life where my mind controls everything that I do and when I do them. I lay awake constantly when I should be sleeping because my mind will not take a break for me to get some rest. I eat and eat when I am not even hungry. I just get the insatiable desire to eat, and fill my stomach to keep it as full as possible. And then there is how in my mind myself, my life is so worthless and meaningless that I just honestly do not care about what happens to me. Anybody else in the world I could genuinely care about and would do whatever I could to help them. Even so far to go as, if it were possible of course, to take all the pain and suffering in the world and put it all on myself so that everybody else would never have to deal with it ever again.
Everybody consists of different qualities that essentially build the foundation of who they are, when I look inside to see what mine are it seems like every one of them contradicts another one. I am cocky and conceited, yet humble and modest. I am an extremely hard worker, yet unmotivated to do any work. I procrastinate no matter what it is that I should be doing, yet I am a perfectionist. I am never happy unless something is done just right. I am a quiet person by nature but very opinionated. I am an asshole and a sweetheart. I am sure that you can get the idea without me going on even further.
Maybe that is why I can never get any sleep. I am in a constant battle where the two sides of me are fighting for dominance over me. Scary thought to be either the sinner or the saint, but hopefully it will never come to that and I will eventually find some peace within myself.
One hour later, still not anymore tired than I already was...the joys of insomnia.
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