The Whole Secret Of Existence Is To Have No Fear

Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed. (Buddha)


I recently had a conversation with a friend and it led to some things being said about that needed to be said and to be heard. It ultimately boils down to what the difference is between living and existing in this world. I am not proud of it, nor am I ashamed of it, but I am the former. I just live in this world I do not exist in it.

The way I see it to exist in this world is to be apart of it, not just to simply be alive and living your life, but to reach down deeper inside yourself. To share yourself with others and connect deeply with all living things whether it is in an positive or negative way. My friend was right when she said what is the point of being alive if you were not willing to share yourself with others. There is no point, and to not share is to be living a dead life. I do know this and I do understand this completely. The key point in there though is that you have to share yourself with others to exist and even though I open myself up to care about others, I keep myself closed when others try to get in. That is why I only live in this world and not exist.

I have said and this is still as true as ever that I am who I am, and there is nothing I would change about myself if I could. There is no bullshit about that. I have had my moment when my world came crashing down around me because it was too much for me to bear any longer. Even though the circumstances around that might seem less significant when compared to others, but for me it was nothing less than rock bottom. To keep this simple, I had lost faith in everything, including the only thing that I ever had to truly rely on and that was myself. There has never been another time in my life when I had wished more for death to come take me away so that I could just move on to whatever lies beyond. Right now in this moment in my life I only live it, because just simply living in this world is essentially being dead to it and that is what I am. I am dead.

I live my life without letting others in because this is my way of cutting myself, my way of committing suicide a million times over without actually doing it. I would not change who I am because deep down to the core of my being this is what I believe I deserve and need right now in my life. Not because I am some masochist that needs to feel pain to feel alive. So that when I finally find the faith that I lost in myself I will be a much stronger and better person because of this.