It Is The Confession

...not the priest, that gives us absolution (Oscar Wilde)


I have a confession to make, more than one actually.

My first confession is about my no drinking pop mission that I started and I will be perfectly honest with you all by saying that I drank pop today. It started after my baseball game when I simply had something burst inside my head that ended up fueling a rant that I wrote earlier. On my long walk home, I stopped off at a McDonald's and got a large glass of ice cold Coca-cola. It was what I needed at that moment in time, and in truth I might have dropped my shorts and said screw it to my no masturbation mission as well but sadly there were no extremely hot chicks there to scar for the rest of their lives. So that one is still intact.

My second confession is related to my first one and it has to do with my rant about baseball, because now that I have calmed down and really thought about it, it is not so much about all of what I said. It is and it is not. Everything I said is true to the letter but what upsets me the most is I miss my life in the summer back home. Last summer was the happiest I had been in a very long time, I was working like crazy and making some decent money, I was playing baseball two to three times a week, umping baseball every now and then and actually hanging out with people and enjoying life. I miss the guys I play baseball with back home, I miss going out to play a game with them on Sundays, then just chilling out, shooting the shit, drinking some beers and maybe barbecuing up some food after the games. Sunday ball back home is something I looked forward to since the day after it ends. For me it is perfectly simplistic and I miss it. That was what the rant was really about.

And that leads into my third and final confession of the night. For the first time in my life I am actually homesick. I hated my life growing up, I hated how I always felt about everything, I despised it all. I am not homesick about that, or even about my parents back there. I worked hard to piece myself back together and actually have some semblance of a normal life. Then just when everything was going better than it ever had I gave it all up to come back to school. To come back to Ottawa where I have like two people I know and I maybe will see them once a month, twice if I am lucky. From the beginning of May right until the end of August I barely had any free time, if I was not working, I was most likely playing ball. When I was playing in tournaments on the weekends and had to go into work Saturday morning I woke up crazy early so I could be sure to leave in time to go play ball. There were a few times when I would put in twenty plus hour days just so I could have fun. In comparison, I really have nothing here that even comes close to what I finally had last year. Oh well I guess, this whole emotional roller coaster that I am on today is just all my fault plan and simple.


So much for not letting myself feel any feelings anymore.