It Is Better To Be Hated

...for who you are, than to be loved for someone you are not. (Andre Gide)



I hate people. Not anybody specific but in a general sense. As far as I am concerned, and have witnessed throughout my life people are selfish and self-serving. They are quick to judge without a second glance, always thinking they have you figured out when really they do not have a clue.

I am a quiet person, not always saying a lot in social situations, and certainly not opening up to others very easily. Being this sort of person I do not have a lot of friends, certainly not any close friends. My social life is non-existent aside from the fact that I play the occasional sport because I frankly do not have any one to do anything with and it is not any fun at all. Now whenever I do manage to something socially with people there is always somebody who brings up, or pokes fun, or asks the question about why I do not talk. Which is honestly the most annoying question in the entire world. Seriously.

I do realize that my lack of social life stems from the fact that I am not always the most vocal of people and the fact that people are the reason why I am the way that I am so it really is a bit of a catch twenty-two.

Most of my life has been spent alone, emotionally and physically. I started to get left home alone at a really early age, I never bonded with any of my family members and there was never the feeling of them being there for me if I ever needed them. Then within school, I was the outcast, I got picked on, teased, and made fun of constantly. The older I got the more it pushed me away from everybody. Inside school or sports I was nothing more than a shadow on the wall, or a ghost and outside of either it was like I did not exist. I really did not have any friends. There were times when I did try and fit in and be more social but I just always ended up feeling like I was tagging along or that I was not wanted. People literally did not notice when I was not around. I missed entire week of school once with the flu and not only did none of my classmates notice but none of my teachers did either. I apparently only missed one period the entire week.

Then there is the fact that the few people that I have actually let in, and opened up to do not even live anywhere near me or have just completely abandoned me to move on to whatever else in their lives. Because hey, who really has time to be a friend to me?

My lack of socialization and talking stem from the fact that I hate people because they are selfish, cruel and cannot be trusted. Everything in my life up until this moment has made me feel like I was and always will be destined to be alone and I cannot see that any other way. I am who I am and people just cannot seem to accept that so I do not need them. I do not need you.

One's Philosophy

...is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes ... and the choices we make are ultimately our responsibility. (Eleanor Roosevelt)


During my time on this planet, my solution for dealing with everything was to keep it bottled up inside and after twenty some years it eventually caught up to kick me in the ass. Nowadays I try to make sure that I deal with everything and not keep it inside, or at least not keep it inside for too long. All summer long I was getting slightly more and more annoyed with certain people on my volleyball team so much so that when the opportunity presented itself a week ago I took it and spoke up for my chance to let that frustration out.

Of course whenever somebody speaks their mind it usually does not end well for all those effected and this was no different. After having two people quit and one more injury themselves already during the season, I caused three more to quit and left the team with only three players (myself included). Not only did I ruin three people's desire to play the game, but I also dragged two people unfairly along with me for the ride.

A question that I have always got from people is "why don't you talk?" And this is one of the reasons why. Whenever I decide to not bite my tongue, everything just gets messed up and there is nobody to blame but myself.

The Eyes.

It was New Years Eve way back in 1992 and I was eight years old at the time. My parents had been invited to a party, my sister had been asked to babysit, and the same had been done of my brother. At first my mom was hesitant to leave me home alone at night, which I was able to convince her that I would be quite capable of keeping the house in one piece. Besides, my sister was babysitting for the family next door, and my brother was babysitting for the family across the street.

It was a pretty uneventful night, where I went back and forth from playing games on my Nintendo and watching movies that my mom had rented for me and while I was watching one of the movies I had to pause it to go relieve myself. After coming back down from the bathroom, I had crawled under my blanket and hit play on the remote to enjoy my movie once more. When out of the corner of my eye I saw a head appear at the top of the living room window. It was only for a brief second because as soon as he peered in and saw me he quickly vanished from my sight, I could not see all his face however as he was wearing a ski mask. What I do remember quite clearly and vividly were his eyes. Pale blue eyes.

At first I thought I was seeing things, but not too long after it happened my brother called from across the street and asked me if I saw a guy peeking in the front window because he saw him from over there. Even after he said that I did not want to believe it for whatever reason and I denied that I had saw anything. I know that I did though and ever since that moment if I was alone downstairs I had to shut the blinds, or the curtains so I would not have to have those eyes peeping in on me again.

Being the bright kid that I was, and being able to remember those eyes I was actually able to figure out who it was exactly. Living in a small town there are only so many people who would have been tall enough to have their head be at the top of the window and only one of those tall people had that specific type of eyes. I never did mention it to anybody though, not until I just typed it right now.

Close The Door.

Write with no one looking over your shoulder. Don't try to figure out what other people want to hear from you; figure out what you have to say. It's the one and only thing you have to offer. (Barbara Kingsolver)



Once again I must apologize for my lack of writing the past couple months. My birthday was last month and it is admittedly the worst time of the year for me; this year proved to be no better. It had put me into this unshakable melancholy state that is still lingering on even now. Then you can add in the feeling of being abandoned by some people on top of that, which made things seem worse then what they really were or still are I guess. Such is life though. More often then not though people are out for nothing more than their own selfishness, which you cannot really blame them for either. After all it is just part of human nature. Even I cannot deny that I have had my moments where I have only looked out for myself, while walking away from others.

Shame on them and shame on me as well.

The Old Believe Everything

The middle aged suspect everything
The young know everything.
(Oscar Wilde)


I hate July. I hate July because my birthday is in July and I hate my birthday. It is nothing more than the biggest day of there year where I end up realizing just how unimportant and forgettable I am to the people in my life. A day that is and has been and likely always will be a day full of disappointment and rejection, instead of happiness and a sense of being special.

It does not matter how hard I try to fight it, or how positive I try to be, a shadow always manages to find its way to cast me in darkness and this time it is not lifting like it usually does after my birthday has passed.

For a couple weeks now I have been trying to figure out if actually coming back to school was a good thing or me being an idiotic fool. In the past three years I have managed to piece back together my life after it was shattered, get a job where I was making decent enough money that I was thinking about buying a house and then after working so hard to get my life into a good place I decided to throw that all up in the air to go back to school. I just do not know if that was a smart move, or maybe I am just caught up in my own self doubt. The last time I was at school I ended up losing faith in myself and in my ability to do anything I put my mind too. That is one thing I have never got back, not completely and I have a hard time believing that I will ever get it back.

Canadian Pride

"In a world darkened by ethnic conflicts that tear nations apart, Canada stands as a model of how people of different cultures can live and work together in peace, prosperity, and mutual respect." (Bill Clinton)


Canada Day, July 1st is a day of celebration, and a day to be proud that we live in one of the most desirable countries in the world. We are known all over the globe as friendly, polite and compassionate people and as the quote above points out that we set a standard of multiculturalism is able to co-exist and prosper within a country. For that reason I am truly proud to be Canadian.

As I was out in the great city of Ottawa this past Canada Day there was an incident where that pride had vanished.

I was making my way up Rideau Street towards Parliament, slowly trying to navigate the immense crowd when I was almost caught up in a fight between two individuals. I am not sure how it started, but there were two men amongst the crowd who started arguing. At first I thought it was nothing, that it would pass as a little tiff between two people who were frustrated by trying to find a path through the crowd of people. It did not. Again I would like to point how I did not hear everything that was said between the two of them so I do not know the whole context behind the argument. Now with that being said I cannot say whether this was a provoked response or just an out-lash but one of the gentlemen involved started cursing and yelling at the other and even dropped some racial slurs that I will not be repeating here.

It was a senseless shameful act on a day where when Canadians all over the country and the world celebrate everything that makes us who we are as a nation, including that of being more ethnically tolerant.

When I look out into the world and see all the hate and the discrimination I feel ashamed for humanity because we should be better than that and then witnessing that act on Canada I was ashamed of myself. Ashamed because when I saw it going on all I did was stand there watched and walked away. I did not speak up and I did not step in to break it up. The act of not standing up against an act of injustice is just as bad as committing the injustice yourself.

I thought I was a better person then that, though I guess not.

It Is The Confession

...not the priest, that gives us absolution (Oscar Wilde)


I have a confession to make, more than one actually.

My first confession is about my no drinking pop mission that I started and I will be perfectly honest with you all by saying that I drank pop today. It started after my baseball game when I simply had something burst inside my head that ended up fueling a rant that I wrote earlier. On my long walk home, I stopped off at a McDonald's and got a large glass of ice cold Coca-cola. It was what I needed at that moment in time, and in truth I might have dropped my shorts and said screw it to my no masturbation mission as well but sadly there were no extremely hot chicks there to scar for the rest of their lives. So that one is still intact.

My second confession is related to my first one and it has to do with my rant about baseball, because now that I have calmed down and really thought about it, it is not so much about all of what I said. It is and it is not. Everything I said is true to the letter but what upsets me the most is I miss my life in the summer back home. Last summer was the happiest I had been in a very long time, I was working like crazy and making some decent money, I was playing baseball two to three times a week, umping baseball every now and then and actually hanging out with people and enjoying life. I miss the guys I play baseball with back home, I miss going out to play a game with them on Sundays, then just chilling out, shooting the shit, drinking some beers and maybe barbecuing up some food after the games. Sunday ball back home is something I looked forward to since the day after it ends. For me it is perfectly simplistic and I miss it. That was what the rant was really about.

And that leads into my third and final confession of the night. For the first time in my life I am actually homesick. I hated my life growing up, I hated how I always felt about everything, I despised it all. I am not homesick about that, or even about my parents back there. I worked hard to piece myself back together and actually have some semblance of a normal life. Then just when everything was going better than it ever had I gave it all up to come back to school. To come back to Ottawa where I have like two people I know and I maybe will see them once a month, twice if I am lucky. From the beginning of May right until the end of August I barely had any free time, if I was not working, I was most likely playing ball. When I was playing in tournaments on the weekends and had to go into work Saturday morning I woke up crazy early so I could be sure to leave in time to go play ball. There were a few times when I would put in twenty plus hour days just so I could have fun. In comparison, I really have nothing here that even comes close to what I finally had last year. Oh well I guess, this whole emotional roller coaster that I am on today is just all my fault plan and simple.


So much for not letting myself feel any feelings anymore.